Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Tooth Fairy and His Goodness

Well we have some huge news...  At least through Harper's eyes.  

She lost her first tooth.  

Aunt Wink wiggled it out.  Which was fine by me because, frankly, I consider the whole affair to be disgusting.  That tiny tooth is creepy, the bloody kleenex, the rawness of those gums...  Whew.  I pause in typing to shudder.  ANYWAY! Yay! She lost her tooth!  So the tooth fairy is slated to come that night.  

Harper leaves this note.

She had informed me a few days prior to this that when the tooth fairy comes she takes the tooth, turns it into fairy dust, and sprinkles it over the child to ensure sweet dreams.  Good to know!  After Harps is asleep I run to Michaels and purchase pink tinsel glitter and teeny star confetti.  Later that night we remove the tooth (bleh), leave the cash prize, and I go to town with the fairy dust.  I went to sleep feeling so proud of myself.  

"This is fun!" I thought as I smugly drifted off.
"I'm a great mom!" I congratulated myself with a small smile and closed eyes.
"I'm making a great memory for her!" I cheered for myself as I rolled over and slept.

Pride comes before the fall.

I awoke to, "Mom.  The tooth fairy came. She went crazy in my room." 


Harper went on to explain that it was just one small tooth which should have resulted in only a small amount of fairy dust.  I had liberally scattered it across both of her pillows and the note.  She was really put out.  I sighed inwardly and thought, "oh well.  It's just the stupid tooth fairy.  No big deal." However, to my daughter it was a big deal.  She called my mom and told her it was a "disaster."  She told her friends that when she woke up she "almost said a cuss word!" It went on and on.

On Christmas day Aunt Wink wiggled out the first tooth's next door neighbor.  Harper sang with great gusto "All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" for all who would listen (mainly my Grandma Lord).  Well, this was thrilling!  Back to back nights of Santa and the Tooth Fairy who would surely redeem herself this time.

So on Christmas night Harper thoughtfully composed her second note.
(Please do not make too much dust, but still leave a little.)

You'll be so relieved to know that things went much better.  I know I was.

The whole reason I share this long tooth fairy story is to communicate that Harper is the best kid alive.  I am completely convinced of this.  I couldn't love her more than I do.  She makes the world an okay place to be.  Her amazing spirit and happiness are what got us through this holiday season.  She keeps asking when she is going to get another brother or sister.  She hopes it is a girl because then she would have two sisters.  This breaks my heart.  She keeps saying she hopes it happens soon.  In fact, all along I had been praying for a little one by Christmas, or by the end of 2011.  There are only four days left.  I don't think it will probably happen.  That's not to say it can't -- it just doesn't seem very likely.  Either way, I just want to say as we wrap up this season of celebrating Christ's birth, I do trust Him completely.  I know that He is good.  When I miss Waverley so much I can hardly see straight and my head is too heavy to lift up, when Harper cries for her sister and writes "I love Wavy" on a page she colors, when things feel unbearable, or when Harper cracks me up and fills me with lightness, or when I'm pretending to be a tooth fairy and getting bossed around by a demanding 5 year old, it's always the same -- God is good.

May the end of this year find you knowing the same.  I just want to say it one last time.  He is good.  He is so, so good.


Friday, December 23, 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas -- Joseph Style

Since Christmas is approaching I have had somebody on my mind.  Joseph.  As in Mary, Joseph, and Jesus -- that guy.  

First of all, are there any nobler men?  Are there any men more committed to honoring their wife than Joseph?  I contend that the answer is no.  I have been trying to be reverent and think about the story with awe and also think how this would play out in real life.  It's so wild.  Joseph finds out that his betrothed wife is pregnant.  He "was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly." Most people in his place would just get out.  Even if he was trying to be kind to her while thinking she had cheated on him, he could just divorce her outright.  She should have been on her own.  But even thinking he had been so wronged, my guy Joseph was thinking of what he could do for her.  How he could handle the situation well for her.  Then the angel comes to him in a dream and explains that he is to go ahead and marry Mary.  And that their son would save people from their sins.  He wakes up and does it.  I don't know anyone with faith like that.  That is wildly spectacular faith.  You go on, Joseph.

Secondly, let's look at something that makes my heart so happy.  You know all of those "begot"s at the beginning of Matthew where they are naming those in Jesus's lineage?  They include all the greats -- Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Ruth, David, Solomon... I'm clearly just hitting some highlights here.  And this is a big deal, right?  Since the beginning of the Bible God has been artfully spinning out this beautiful line of people and telling them that Jesus will belong to them and their family.  So then we get all the way to the end and of the line and it leads to Mary, the mother of Christ.  Except wait! No it doesn't!  This whole plan, the whole line up, all comes down to the end... and it's Joseph.  Isn't that one of the most glorious things you've ever known?  It's Joseph.  The man who marries the mother of the Savior.  The man who raises Jesus as his son but with no biological connection.  

Oh I love this business.  

I love the richness of the Christmas season.  I love the crazy and bizarre way things had to be done.  We didn't just get a middle class baby born into the most typical suburb of Bethlehem with an average upbringing in a life with relative ease.   We get a baby born to a virgin who was pregnant before her kind and loving husband married her in a time where that was anything but okay.  We have an infant born and sleeping in a barn because his family had nowhere to go.  We have an old testament's worth of good-guy Bible genes that culminated into the adoptive daddy of Jesus.  We have a Savior born into a turbulent world of hiding from a King that wanted him dead.  We have the wild and mysterious and true story of the Jesus that came to save us.  Don't you love this?  I am so excited to think on these things and celebrate Christmas with Matt and Harper.  This year there is a lot to be sad about at our house.  But I also know that there are some things that are unchanging, right, and true.  So I'm getting Christmas all up in my heart.  I'm believing all of these things to be true and telling the Lord that I'm all in.  Joseph style.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,

Sunday, December 11, 2011

My Life in Pictures

Life has kind of got me down right now.  This time of year is such a hard one.  There have been some great moments with Matt and Harper.  There has also been constant longing for my little girl.  I am once again skating by doing the bare minimum and trying to keep it together in front of Harper.  I feel worn out and empty from grieving.  

Instead of a wordy post I will now highlight a few things that have happened in the past month or so that have been nice.  

1.  I attended a gothic bride/star wars wedding.  That's right.

My friend looked beautiful in her black wedding dress and lacy red jacket.

The groomsmen wore storm trooper outfits.

 The groom had a mohawk and wore a special gothic black suit. (Sorry for the awful quality of these pictures.  I still felt like they were worth sharing.)

The wedding officiant dressed like Obe Wan Kanobe.

 The Cake.

I got to spend time with some of my favorite starbucks friends. 

2. Harper had a Thanksgiving program.  

She looked adorable. 

She had some solo performance time.

3.  I had a birthday.  

Matt surprised me with this delicious red velvet (my favorite) cake, cards from him and Harper, and a gift when I got home from work that night.

This card makes me happy because Matt said Harper picked it out without hesitation and would not consider any other options.  

 4.  We are all decorated for Christmas.
We have a real Christmas tree for the first time in our marriage.  Matt and Harps picked it out and brought it home.  Harper drank hot chocolate while Matt put the lights on.  We had a fire going, pups snoozing by the fire, Christmas music... it was quite lovely.  

So now you're all caught up!  I hope that if you are experiencing grief or loss this season that you are still able to experience God's peace and joy this season.  That's what we're working on around here.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

only to be with you

only to be with you is the title of the next blog you are going to become obsessed with.  

I used to volunteer for the organization I now work for.  Christian was on staff at that time.  This cool guy and his cool wife are collectively super cool.  They are both brilliant writers.  Their blog chronicles their journey to adopt their daughter from Ethiopia.  We are getting closer to the end of their journey as you can read about, but you should really go back and read the whole thing.  They speak so beautifully to the heart of adoption.  

The title of their blog is a line from the U2 song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.  Remember the words?
I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

Are you teary? I am.  Okay.  Stop reading this.  Go read that. 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Giving Thanks (if somewhat ruefully)

Hi Guys,

I am pleased to say we made it through a triple whammy holiday.
The holiday: Thanksgiving
The whammies:
     (1)Last year we knew we'd lost the fight to keep our daughter but still had her for Thanksgiving which was the most bittersweet thing in the world.  Remembering that time was really painful on a lot of levels.
     (2) It's a holiday without our girl.  Suck city.
     (3) We found out on Tuesday that a potential adoption situation we were very hopeful about was not going to happen.  The birth family chose someone else.  So we were a little bummed out to find that out.  Two days later -- Thanksgiving.

We went to the beautiful town of Ouray, CO to spend some time healing in the mountains.  Matt, Harper and I did not participate in one traditional Thanksgiving meal or activity on the day itself.  We had done a few Thanksgivings in KC before we had left, so we felt like it had been covered.  Instead, my handsome man made us the most delicious Greek meal.  We had a really peaceful and relaxing time over all.  I will now give commentary and show a few pictures.

Except... I was sick for a few of the days, and we were all in sweats the whole time.  I kept walking by mirrors and cringing.  I noticed Matt kept looking at me with horror-filled eyes at what I had become love and acceptance. As a result of all of that business we took no pictures.  None.  Well, Matt took about a million pictures of mountains on his phone.  Which do not suit me for this post.  So enjoy these generic images instead.  Just pretend they're us.

We played games so much.  There is a great game called I Never Forget A Face that is a high class version of Memory that we played non-stop.  I recommend it.

90% of our time was spent playing games or reading in front of the fire. 8% of our time was spent at Mouse's chocolate shop.  2% was spent doing playing Barbies, showering, and eating.

Matt and I had some of those talks that could happen at home but tend not to.  It was great to enjoy some nice, quiet time together.

Matt camped out in a recliner by the fire with the best mountain view the whole time.  He was completely blissed out the whole time.

Matt sang songs to me in the meadow behind the cabin while he played the acoustic guitar.  He also sang me romantic lullabies each night.  None of that is true.  

So there you have it.  I am not going to do a post of all the things I am thankful for.  I don't mean to sound like a brat, but I'm just not up for it.  I am letting myself off the hook with not feeling particularly thankful this year but not feeling totally jaded and bitter.  I'm calling it a wash.  And plodding on.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wishful Thinking

We had been out of town for the weekend, and when we came home I found this package waiting for me.  My favorite thing in the package was this onesie.  My sweet friend was encouraging me that God could answer my prayer for a baby this year.

I don't know if God will be blessing our family through adoption or not this year.  Time is running out.  We'll have to see.  I would just so love for there to be a tiny one filling this onesie up and resting contentedly in my arms, in our family, in this house.

Tonight our two dogs are curled up in front of the fire, I am doing a few things in the living room, Harper is sleeping like you sleep when you work HARD all day in kindergarten then play HARD all afternoon.  Matt is reading the Steve Jobs biography.  I wish so much that Wavy were down the hall sleeping on her tummy with her arms tucked under her.  I miss her. So. Badly.  A new baby will have nothing to do with filling that void, but our house is too quiet.  We are ready for new life here.  For a new and separate joy.

After her bath Harper was sitting by the fire in her pink robe, drinking hot chocolate, swinging her braids around and planning her sixth birthday party. (July 24th, guys.  You simply cannot be too prepared.)  It involves a camp out where one tent is set up for dolls.  You go in and get to hold someone else's doll for awhile.  Then you catch fireflies and tag them for scientists to study.  Next -- roast marshmallows.  Finally, tell spooky stories with a flashlight.  I just kept thinking, I need a million more of you.

There was this book in the library at my elementary school (which was incredible and was governed by a charming librarian named Miss Liberty).  It was about a family that had a garden and every spring (or something, I don't know) the mom would go out in the garden and there would be a new baby in a special plant.  I wish that book existed somewhere outside my memory so I could read it right now.  Oddly there seems to be no record of it online.  I would have guessed that one was a big seller.  I wish there were babies and children in hammocks and forts and bunk beds all over my house fast asleep right now.  I wish every morning we would all have a huge breakfast at a farm table in the kitchen then do our daily work together.  I wish I wasn't having this bizarre daydream out loud on the internet.  But I do hope our next child comes our way soon.  Maybe even in 2011.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

my adorable daughter

I thought you might want in on the fabulousness happening at my house lately.  And who am I to prevent that from happening?  The last few weeks in pictures:

The one good parenting move we've got right now: the good behavior chart.  Harper responds much better to it than she did to all of the griping I had been doing.  No one likes being a griper or a gripee. So instead, a sticker chart that lead to a family movie night.  We never eat outside the kitchen so dinner in the basement together while we watched Ratatouille was a fun reward for a chart full of unicorn stickers.

Exhibit 1 of darlingness.

Exhibit 2 of darlingness.  This one freaks me out.  Is she 5 or 18? I can't tell here.

Halloween.  She was a... ? We're not sure.  She just REALLY wanted to wear this outfit she was recently given.  She was a "dancer girl from Dancing With The Stars" (which she has seen commercials for and is convinced it would be awesome to watch), or a "sugarplum fairy," or a "recital girl," or a "ballet girl."  Whatever she was feeling when you asked.  Just keeping it loose.  Staying flexible.   

This week Harper has finished her second Good Behavior Chart.  The reward is a campout in the living room.  She and Matt have wanted to do this for awhile.  Friday night is the night.  They will be enjoying the great indoors while I attend a gothic, Star Wars wedding.  I know.  Now you wish you were a Nagel.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

words of hope

I think this song is really beautiful.  One day soon I will post my own thoughts again and not just videos :)

Well, I spent the whole night fighting
Fighting with some ghost
And when the break of morning found me
I'd both won and lost

You see the question isn't are you going to suffer any more
But what will it have meant when you are through?
The question isn't are you going to die, you're going to die
But will you be done living when you do?

Yes, I spent the whole day running
Trying to catch the sun
But when the darkness overtook me
All my running had made me strong

So run till you cannot take a single step in strength
Then crawl on your hands and knees, till your hands and knees they ache
And when you cannot crawl
It will be me you call to carry you back home again.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Perkier Post

I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable with the weight of that last post.  It's what happens when you are sad all day and then on the internet when you should be in bed.  I should have taken it as a sign to not write public things when I showed up at my neighbor's house for a play date and hung out with my friend in her yard wearing a nightgown I've had since I was 12 and sweat pants.  At 4:00pm.

Oh my, but it's out there, and I can't redact it. (I just said redact because it makes me think of an episode of The Office.)  So anyway, I am sad.  However, today I am making good choices in my sadness.  I am choosing to know God's goodness, to enjoy Harper, to work hard tonight, to smile, and to be loving instead of ugly.  I also chose to wear actual clothes today.  So that seemed like a real step in the right direction.

I will also choose to engage in bits of happiness like this sesame street post I stole from my dear Kelsey.

... and this is a bit racier than sesame street, but pretty hilarious if you need that kind of thing.  So I am choosing to partake in this too.

Choosing to keep my head up,

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

this time last year

A year ago this weekend marks the one year anniversary of finding out we lost our battle to be Waverley's parents.  I don't know about you, but I really struggle with significant dates.  They really affect me.  The two things I hate most about this specific date are that I find myself reliving finding out that we lost over and over again, and that I am out of "safe memories."  Because of court appearances and the messiness of it all we actually had custody of Waverley through January.  I can say quite sincerely, though, that I haven't known peace since that day, and even though we still had her with us, we suffered with complete agony that could not be alleviated.  All of the memories of the rest of the things that happened before we lost her feel like rocks in my heart and stomach.  There were no more happy times.

A year ago on Friday Matt came home from work at 10 in the morning.  I looked up surprised when the kitchen door slammed and Harper said, "Daddy is home." I called out, "Matt?" and walked into the kitchen.  I don't know how I didn't know.  But I had no idea.  He was crying me and hugging me and saying, "I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry. We lost.  We lost her, Mol."  I just stood there.  Frozen.

Everything I see -- pumpkins and halloween decorations, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, sweaters, coats, chili, winter jammies, cold and rosy cheeks, fires in the fire place, all of it makes me feel an ugly sense of misery that is hard to shake.  I feel like a lot of the time (not quite most of it, but a lot of it) I can be sad without being angry or bitter.  Lately though I feel angry and sour inside.  I should have been able to keep my little girl.  I should have been able to.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Home Study. Check.

Well! Last week we had our home study.  I would say it went very well.  We really liked the person that came out and visited us.  In true Matt and Molly style I over talked and Matt sporadically interjected a  thought or two.  In the next three-ish weeks our home study will be completed.  It is out of our hands at this point.  The agency is just compiling the information and writing it into the required format (required under Kansas law for the completion of your adoption).  We will have a chance to review, edit, and resubmit it.

During these weeks we will be working on our profile.  This is the document birth families review when they are selecting a family for their child.  The profile includes pictures of us, a letter we write to the birthmother/birth family, and information about what our interest, hobbies, lifestyle is like.

Hopefully there is something we will include that will connect us to the birth family.  A birth mother for instance might choose a family that lives in the country because she always day dreamed about what it would be like to live in on a farm.  That's obviously just an example, but you see what I mean.

It is important (obviously!!) that the birth family can gain some sense of calm or peace about the family they are choosing.  This is a first step towards that.  I just think about the choice this woman is making and how hard it must be to make initial choices about the future of your child based on a paper version of a family.  I am in complete awe of the courage and strength birth mothers exhibit.  We are currently praying for our birthmother and child all of the time.  She is making some crazy/impossible/amazing choices.

I am spending a lot of time day dreaming about what this new addition to our family will be like.  I am ready for some sweet baby smiles in my day.  For some reason I am completely convinced it will be a boy.  I cannot seem to even entertain the idea that it would be a girl.  I have been buying boy clothes.  This totally flies in the face of my generally rational and frugal ways.  I don't care.  I am too enthralled with the notion of having another tiny person in our house again to be deterred.  I am buying winter clothes for a tiny dude.  I'm hoping that it will be like a "if you build it, they will come" situation and that I can put these things to use soon.  I'm praying God will make it so.

With love and visions of tiny blue sleepers dancing in my head,

Monday, October 17, 2011

Our Home Study Visit (it's tomorrow)

alternately titled Cuss Word, Why Did I Say Yes to This?

It is 11:38AM.  I just read an email I received from the woman writing our home study.  She sent it last night.  She listed three options (all this week) that she could come out.  She also gave us the option of picking a later/different date if those didn't work out.  I of course want to keep things moving (you might remember I am praying for a 2011 cherub).  So I just emailed back saying yes, come tomorrow at 8:30 tomorrow morning.  Do I hate myself?  Have you ever been to my house?  

This afternoon I have to do book keeping for my accounting job.  Later this afternoon I am going to my administrator job for a bit, then to a baby shower at 7.  When will I be going through every room in my house making it look amazing and welcoming?  Read about what people typically do for a home study here when my beautiful friend Kelsey shares her account of how she prepared for hers.  Was she completely neurotic, and did she go totally over board? Definitely.  That's what we all do.  We're adoptive mamas.  Some people light candles, put on lingerie, limber up, and woo their husbands into an act that could lead to some conception.  Not us adoptive parents. We scour kitchens and bathrooms with toothbrushes, try to create an outfit that looks stylish/responsible/loving, and make muffins trying to woo an adoptive case manager into wanting to match us perfectly to exactly the right adoption situation.

No problem I keep telling myself as I look around at my messy house and overflowing hamper.  I'll just try to host this visit in the garage.  It's the cleanest part of our house right now.  Or I'll just have her linger in the kitchen while I casually open the pantry and then just frame myself in its doorway because I cleaned it up last week.  With fresh paint and everything.  Which seemed brilliant at the time.  However now the thought, "why the hell was I painting the pantry when I should have been having the carpets cleaned and the broken window fixed??"  

I was planning on just doing some light vacuuming and dusting, and a minor pick up.  I smirked a few times thinking how overboard I had gone for our first two home study visits.  I affectionately reminisced about being a younger, newer mom.  I thought about how much I freaked out and how laid back I was this time about going through this process.  Until I read that email.  Now I am coming completely unhinged.  

Oh well, even if I stay up all night power washing the outside of my house in the night, it will be worth it.  If you feel like praying for us at 8:30 tomorrow morning that would be very cool.

Much love and a heart full of crazy,

Sunday, October 9, 2011

kicking asses and taking names

We are feeling happy and hopeful for the future that is to come.  We are so elated to be adding to our family.  Harper has taken to frequently asking when she is going to have a new baby brother or sister.  We have completed the home study application and are now beginning to work on our profile (more on that later) and our to do lists.  The agency that will renew our home study estimates about a month to do the home visit, review the materials we've turned in, and write the report (The Home Study).  I know it would have to happen extremely quickly, but I would love nothing more than to have a baby to celebrate Christmas with this year.  It is my extravagant prayer.  I know it is unlikely, but I am praying it anyway.

Now we are starting to kick it into a higher gear to do some things that have been on our to do list way too long.  Today, Matt cleaned out the garage.  It was a DISASTER.  No cars could be parked inside.  A jungle of junk covered one entire side.  I wondered if a possum or raccoon could be lurking out there waiting for me.  Now for the first time since we've moved in, it's so cleaned out that there are two cars in the garage!  Yes!  When Matt crossed it off The List I thought with a gleeful determination, "We are kicking asses and taking names." Yes, a clean garage is critical to bringing home a new babe.  Critical I tell you. As is changing the tricky-to-buy-the-right-size-bulb Hall Light Bulb.  As is a freshly painted kitchen.  Babies notice things, people.

We have a fair amount of work to do in what will be our nursery.  That thought makes me smile.  It's time to do the fun stuff now.  When Wavy's nursery had been empty, quiet, and still for about six months and I was sick of having to pass that awful closed door a million times a day I came up with something that has helped us so much.  We switched Harper into that room and filled it back up with a little, happy, person.  So now that room doesn't fill me with dread and pain each time I go by, and I won't have to try to use it as a nursery where it would have been hard for it to feel like anything other than Waverley's room.  So Harper's old room will be the nursery as it was when Harper was a baby.  That seems much more livable to me.   I am going to get a few new things that will make me feel like this is a brand new chapter in our family, and where I won't be fearful or anxious of our future until the finalization of this new child's adoption.  I'm sure a new contoured changing pad and a crib sheet or two can do all of that, right?

If you feel at all inclined to pray for us, I would ask that you pray for the future of our family in general, for peace for the birth family as they make their adoption plans, for the health and safety of this baby, for a speedy process to the baby, for a stable adoptive situation that we can finalize as soon as the courts allow.

Thank you!!

With love,

Monday, October 3, 2011

I Am A Medical Mystery

I really am.  I'm not talking about the fact that I have long legs but I can't run fast.  Nor am I referring to the fact that I have a freakishly small number of teeth due to my tiny mouth and large teeth and the pulling of enough teeth to make room for all of those big guys in my baby-sized mouth.  No.  I am talking about the fact that there is nothing and everything wrong with me.  Read on.  I promise I have not made up a single diagnosis.  These are all quotes from medical experts to me.

I am allergic to my own skin.  Yes.  I have these weird red circular spots that come and go from my hands, feet, and legs.  They look like burn marks.  They are under the skin and are untreatable.  Painful? No. Weird? Absolutely.

I was born with not a heart murmur but something similar.  It was a whole in part of my heart.  Am I blowing your mind with these technical medical terms?  It closed enough soon after my birth that I did not have to have open heart surgery to have it repaired.  I had regular check ups to monitor this problem until I was 11 or so.  Then they said it wasn't changing and wasn't too much of a problem.  Back in the day when we tried to get pregnant, the doctor made me have it looked at it again because they were worried about how it would affect me during a pregnancy.  When I went to my check up it was gone.  Which is impossible.  I'll come back to this in a minute.

I had a weird bump in the skin behind my knee.  It felt like a teeny tiny twig.   The doctor made a small incision to remove it (which left a bigger scar than the bump had been in the first place), and then dug around for a bit.  He put some things in a little metal tin and said there had been an explosion in a layer of my skin below the surface and he was removing the shrapnel.  Now you know I am telling the truth.  No one would make that bizarreness up.  

Next!  I had all these weird and random health problems one after the other.  I will spare you some of the graphic symptoms but included in the list were swollen ankles so big I couldn't even fit socks on -- I could barely walk, fatigue like you wouldn't believe, stomach issues, etc.  No one could figure out what was wrong with me.  For almost two years.  They checked every level of everything you can measure levels of.  I will note that all of my hormone levels were totally normal.  Then one day after some lab work I got a call to come in to the doctor's office, and they told me they thought I might have cancer but they weren't sure where, so I was screened for a whole lot of different kinds.  Side note: mammograms suck.  Then they realized it was just some cysts on my pituitary gland that secrete cancerous toxins.  Which I am happy to say I just take a pill for every day.  No problem.  (Hang in there, the point is coming!)  So! Once they figured that out, I became pretty healthy. 

We started trying to get pregnant.  It had taken awhile to get to the point where my body was healthy and this was a possibility to aim for.  Just to be clear, I was a lady with some weird issues, but who was at this point totally checked out and okay in every way.  (Skin shrapnel and being allergic to myself aside.)  I had a healthy heart, properly working everything, hormone levels all where they should be.  And no pregnancy.  I like to think this is one of God's most beautiful stories in my life.  He made sure I knew my body was as in good of a place as I ever could have dreamed it would be.  And no pregnancy.  Because!  That's not how we're doing it in my family.  Adoption is God's A plan for us.  He knew who our children would be before they were born.  And He made sure we knew they were from Him all along.  It blows my mind and fills me with joy.

This Wednesday morning I am turning in our Home Study packet.  We're ready for our third child.  And we are so, so excited to see who God has for us.  It feels nice to cry happy tears for a change.


Saturday, October 1, 2011


Since it's the first of October, I thought it would be the best time to write my official "what I did this summer" essay.  Joking.  Oh, about which part?  The part where I said it was the best time.  Not the part where I tell you about my summer a few weeks into fall.

This summer I struggled big time.  I felt completely out of commission the entire month of June.  Wavy turned three this summer.  I hit the six month mark of when I had last seen her five days later.

This new month of October marks the beginning of The End for me.  We found out late last October that we had lost our case at the hands of the Supreme Court of Kansas, thus essentially meaning we had lost our daughter.  This month the pumpkins, the fall decorations, Halloween costumes all remind me of the last weightless memories I have with both of my girls.  We could enjoy ourselves, family in tact.  It also starts the memories of the weight of grieving that ruling, preparing our family for loss, going to court a million last times, and trying to act normal and savor our last precious time with our girl.  I decided to try to fight the sadness of those memories tonight by posting some of the things that were fun for our family this year.  We have had some really hard times behind us and in front of us, but some great ones too.  Even while I was busy with my sadness, we had some significant family memories form.

And so we have, "My Summer Vacation" by me, a 31 year old lady with no apparent shame at this random post.

1.  Our anniversary.  9 years.  We had a great night.

2.  The 4th of July.  Harper was braver than she had been in past years and we actually took in a fireworks show.

3.  We house sat for some friends we love who have relocated to the inner city.  We spent about two weeks there which allowed us to spend a huge amount of time with some of our other friends who have relocated to that same street.  We spent a lot of time working on Harper's 5th birthday party which we were having with these friends.

4.  The Friend Family and Matt and I threw  bigger birthday party than we usually would.  It was fun to have the distraction of it, fun to do with friends, and fun for a milestone-ish birthday (5?  Does that count? I'm saying it does.)  Next year she's just turning 6.  So we'll probably just invite a few friends to an empty parking lot and give them each a piece of candy and a balloon and let them play for 20 minutes.


Sack races

Beautiful people that I know.  Always invite attractive guests.  It makes for better pictures.

Individual 5 cakes for the birthday ladies.  The girls are each wearing a corsage from a young male guest.  That's right.

Pictures of more adorable guests inside the Birthday Mamas' wall of fame.

 Cupcakes.  Yes, we threw an outdoor party in terrible July heat.  Yes, we had brought out these cupcakes 5 seconds before this picture was taken and 5 seconds later it was only on the table and not on the cakes.  Yes, we had tons of water activities that are not pictured because my computer ate them.

My dear friends who always make me happy that were nice enough to have a baby 9 days after Harper was born so that when we met we would have a great excuse to become friends (for the children) and then they would feed us a lot and throw parties with us.  Thanks, guys.

 A couple of weeks later we had a small family party for Harperlooti and opened presents.  Matt picked out this cake by himself.  Nice, right?

We went to California to visit family.  Harps loved the beach.

Lastly, a picture of Harper where the lighting is bad, and with that rad pose she is doing she looks like an ad for a cheesy 80's sitcom.  

Finally, I would like to say to those of my friends and family pictured here without their permission, I am sorry.  If you have to sue I totally understand.  I will be representing myself, and when I lose, you will be compensated with the only thing we own outright.  Our 1996 Volvo station wagon.  So yeah, I think we're done here.

If anyone besides my mom is still reading at this point (Hi Mom!) thanks for reading.  It always makes me feel better to write on this blog.  You are nice for humoring me, especially when the post is really random like this.


Thursday, September 29, 2011

it is well

I miss my daughter.


When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 
When sorrows like sea billows roll; 
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, 
"It is well, it is well with my soul."

It is well It is well 
With my soul With my soul 
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed his own blood for my soul

My sin, o, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

our guy

Just a quick post about someone I adore.

Matt has been an amazing dad since day one.  You know those awful first dirty diapers in the hospital? That tar-like poop? Both times I would be changing those first diapers of the girls' and he would come over and cringe and say, "she's okay right?" then shudder and walk away.  Then a minute later he'd repeat this whole process.  I have no idea why that has stuck with me, it's just one of those snapshots that you have in your head.

Matt was fabulous when she was a baby, but you should see him now.  My hope for all children is that they would have dads like Matt.  Last night he worked super late. When he got home he was so disappointed he hadn't gotten to spend time with Harper that evening.  He kept going in her room to look at her and smile and pat her.  Then he'd come in our room and say, "I really want to wake her up so I can hold her and talk to her for a minute."

Matt and Harper have all kinds of things that they love to do together.  They make up funny little games in the car.  They go special places together.  They have special inside jokes.  Sometimes he leaves her little cards on her pillow.  She thinks these are wonderful.  She loves the surprise of it.  I read them to her as I put her to bed.  The night before last he left her one.  He told her he loves her, and that he is so so proud of her for starting to learn how to read and for being good at riding her scooter.

Be still my heart.  This man.