Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Giving Thanks (if somewhat ruefully)

Hi Guys,

I am pleased to say we made it through a triple whammy holiday.
The holiday: Thanksgiving
The whammies:
     (1)Last year we knew we'd lost the fight to keep our daughter but still had her for Thanksgiving which was the most bittersweet thing in the world.  Remembering that time was really painful on a lot of levels.
     (2) It's a holiday without our girl.  Suck city.
     (3) We found out on Tuesday that a potential adoption situation we were very hopeful about was not going to happen.  The birth family chose someone else.  So we were a little bummed out to find that out.  Two days later -- Thanksgiving.

We went to the beautiful town of Ouray, CO to spend some time healing in the mountains.  Matt, Harper and I did not participate in one traditional Thanksgiving meal or activity on the day itself.  We had done a few Thanksgivings in KC before we had left, so we felt like it had been covered.  Instead, my handsome man made us the most delicious Greek meal.  We had a really peaceful and relaxing time over all.  I will now give commentary and show a few pictures.

Except... I was sick for a few of the days, and we were all in sweats the whole time.  I kept walking by mirrors and cringing.  I noticed Matt kept looking at me with horror-filled eyes at what I had become love and acceptance. As a result of all of that business we took no pictures.  None.  Well, Matt took about a million pictures of mountains on his phone.  Which do not suit me for this post.  So enjoy these generic images instead.  Just pretend they're us.

We played games so much.  There is a great game called I Never Forget A Face that is a high class version of Memory that we played non-stop.  I recommend it.

90% of our time was spent playing games or reading in front of the fire. 8% of our time was spent at Mouse's chocolate shop.  2% was spent doing playing Barbies, showering, and eating.

Matt and I had some of those talks that could happen at home but tend not to.  It was great to enjoy some nice, quiet time together.

Matt camped out in a recliner by the fire with the best mountain view the whole time.  He was completely blissed out the whole time.

Matt sang songs to me in the meadow behind the cabin while he played the acoustic guitar.  He also sang me romantic lullabies each night.  None of that is true.  

So there you have it.  I am not going to do a post of all the things I am thankful for.  I don't mean to sound like a brat, but I'm just not up for it.  I am letting myself off the hook with not feeling particularly thankful this year but not feeling totally jaded and bitter.  I'm calling it a wash.  And plodding on.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wishful Thinking

We had been out of town for the weekend, and when we came home I found this package waiting for me.  My favorite thing in the package was this onesie.  My sweet friend was encouraging me that God could answer my prayer for a baby this year.

I don't know if God will be blessing our family through adoption or not this year.  Time is running out.  We'll have to see.  I would just so love for there to be a tiny one filling this onesie up and resting contentedly in my arms, in our family, in this house.

Tonight our two dogs are curled up in front of the fire, I am doing a few things in the living room, Harper is sleeping like you sleep when you work HARD all day in kindergarten then play HARD all afternoon.  Matt is reading the Steve Jobs biography.  I wish so much that Wavy were down the hall sleeping on her tummy with her arms tucked under her.  I miss her. So. Badly.  A new baby will have nothing to do with filling that void, but our house is too quiet.  We are ready for new life here.  For a new and separate joy.

After her bath Harper was sitting by the fire in her pink robe, drinking hot chocolate, swinging her braids around and planning her sixth birthday party. (July 24th, guys.  You simply cannot be too prepared.)  It involves a camp out where one tent is set up for dolls.  You go in and get to hold someone else's doll for awhile.  Then you catch fireflies and tag them for scientists to study.  Next -- roast marshmallows.  Finally, tell spooky stories with a flashlight.  I just kept thinking, I need a million more of you.

There was this book in the library at my elementary school (which was incredible and was governed by a charming librarian named Miss Liberty).  It was about a family that had a garden and every spring (or something, I don't know) the mom would go out in the garden and there would be a new baby in a special plant.  I wish that book existed somewhere outside my memory so I could read it right now.  Oddly there seems to be no record of it online.  I would have guessed that one was a big seller.  I wish there were babies and children in hammocks and forts and bunk beds all over my house fast asleep right now.  I wish every morning we would all have a huge breakfast at a farm table in the kitchen then do our daily work together.  I wish I wasn't having this bizarre daydream out loud on the internet.  But I do hope our next child comes our way soon.  Maybe even in 2011.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

my adorable daughter

I thought you might want in on the fabulousness happening at my house lately.  And who am I to prevent that from happening?  The last few weeks in pictures:

The one good parenting move we've got right now: the good behavior chart.  Harper responds much better to it than she did to all of the griping I had been doing.  No one likes being a griper or a gripee. So instead, a sticker chart that lead to a family movie night.  We never eat outside the kitchen so dinner in the basement together while we watched Ratatouille was a fun reward for a chart full of unicorn stickers.

Exhibit 1 of darlingness.

Exhibit 2 of darlingness.  This one freaks me out.  Is she 5 or 18? I can't tell here.

Halloween.  She was a... ? We're not sure.  She just REALLY wanted to wear this outfit she was recently given.  She was a "dancer girl from Dancing With The Stars" (which she has seen commercials for and is convinced it would be awesome to watch), or a "sugarplum fairy," or a "recital girl," or a "ballet girl."  Whatever she was feeling when you asked.  Just keeping it loose.  Staying flexible.   

This week Harper has finished her second Good Behavior Chart.  The reward is a campout in the living room.  She and Matt have wanted to do this for awhile.  Friday night is the night.  They will be enjoying the great indoors while I attend a gothic, Star Wars wedding.  I know.  Now you wish you were a Nagel.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

words of hope

I think this song is really beautiful.  One day soon I will post my own thoughts again and not just videos :)

Well, I spent the whole night fighting
Fighting with some ghost
And when the break of morning found me
I'd both won and lost

You see the question isn't are you going to suffer any more
But what will it have meant when you are through?
The question isn't are you going to die, you're going to die
But will you be done living when you do?

Yes, I spent the whole day running
Trying to catch the sun
But when the darkness overtook me
All my running had made me strong

So run till you cannot take a single step in strength
Then crawl on your hands and knees, till your hands and knees they ache
And when you cannot crawl
It will be me you call to carry you back home again.