Well. Here we are. I didn’t really have it in my mind that we would continue to post on this blog after Waverley was gone (those words feel so sick to me). But as I have said before it feels a bit therapeutic to put some of these thoughts down in a more concrete form. Since I could use all of the therapy I can get we might just keep it going.
Last week we did the things that I dreaded the most. When I was scared of the worst-case scenario it always included having to pack Waverley’s things. It included having to tell her that we couldn’t be her parents anymore. It included dropping her off somewhere knowing I wouldn’t be coming back and listening to the sound of her crying for me from someone else’s arms. Well last week we did do each of those things. Pretty much I just wanted to die.
But here we are. Breathing. Making it. Smiling at Harper. I did some laundry. Each of these things has felt like a victory. We have had many moments where we hurt with a heaviness that feels completely unbearable. We have had some moments where we feel like given the circumstances we are doing pretty well. We have had a lot of in between.
This morning I was doing okay until we ran into Target for some light bulbs and paper towels. They had out spring clothes and swimming suits. Knowing I wouldn’t ever see Wavy in a tiny swimming suit was almost more than I could handle. That was at 10:00 this morning and I still can’t get those damn swim suits off my mind. It’s 4:45.
We left my house in good hands and headed to the mountains earlier this week for some peace and healing. We got here the day before yesterday. Simple comforts seem sizeable right now. I am trying to ground myself in the goodness of my huge stack of books that I brought, chocolate covered oreos from an amazing chocolate shop in town, tulips on the table, Harper’s delight at sleeping in a bunk bed, beautiful mountains in panorama, and the occasional green tea latte.
Yesterday I was reading a devotional some moms from Harper’s preschool gave me (people have been amazing to us). It listed some verses that I looked up, and long story short , my take away was this:
A family verse of ours has always been Joshua 1:9.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged; for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
In fact, it was one of the last things I whispered to Wavy before I left her on that awful day.
Well, the Scripture that grabbed me was Deuteronomy 31:6. Mostly because I am always moved by Deuteronomy. Kidding. But here it is. It’s the verse that the Joshua verse stems from. When in Joshua it says, “have I not commanded you?” THIS is the command
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
And although to anyone reading this it might seem like I am having a moment straight from the intro class to Bible 101 it really smacked some peace into me.
I am missing one of my children, but God is not. He goes with you. He goes with Waverley. I might have had to leave her, but He did not. He never will. He will not forsake her. So. I’m just remembering that. And breathing. And trying to hold onto that peace. That peace feels pretty slippery. But I know it will get better as we go on.
If you care to walk that road with us we’ll be here.