Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Still here.


Well. Here we are.  I didn’t really have it in my mind that we would continue to post on this blog after Waverley was gone (those words feel so sick to me). But as I have said before it feels a bit therapeutic to put some of these thoughts down in a more concrete form.  Since I could use all of the therapy I can get we might just keep it going.

Last week we did the things that I dreaded the most.  When I was scared of the worst-case scenario it always included having to pack Waverley’s things.  It included having to tell her that we couldn’t be her parents anymore.  It included dropping her off somewhere knowing I wouldn’t be coming back and listening to the sound of her crying for me from someone else’s arms.  Well last week we did do each of those things.  Pretty much I just wanted to die.

But here we are.  Breathing.  Making it.  Smiling at Harper.  I did some laundry.  Each of these things has felt like a victory.  We have had many moments where we hurt with a heaviness that feels completely unbearable.  We have had some moments where we feel like given the circumstances we are doing pretty well.   We have had a lot of in between.

This morning I was doing okay until we ran into Target for some light bulbs and paper towels.  They had out spring clothes and swimming suits.  Knowing I wouldn’t ever see Wavy in a tiny swimming suit was almost more than I could handle.  That was at 10:00 this morning and I still can’t get those damn swim suits off my mind.  It’s 4:45.

We left my house in good hands and headed to the mountains earlier this week for some peace and healing.  We got here the day before yesterday.  Simple comforts seem sizeable right now.  I am trying to ground myself in the goodness of my huge stack of books that I brought, chocolate covered oreos from an amazing chocolate shop in town, tulips on the table, Harper’s delight at sleeping in a bunk bed, beautiful mountains in panorama, and the occasional green tea latte.

Yesterday I was reading a devotional some moms from Harper’s preschool gave me (people have been amazing to us).  It listed some verses that I looked up, and long story short , my take away was this:

A family verse of ours has always been Joshua 1:9.

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged; for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

In fact, it was one of the last things I whispered to Wavy before I left her on that awful day. 

Well, the Scripture that grabbed me was Deuteronomy 31:6.  Mostly because I am always moved by Deuteronomy.  Kidding.  But here it is.  It’s the verse that the Joshua verse stems from.  When in Joshua it says, “have I not commanded you?” THIS is the command

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.

And although to anyone reading this it might seem like I am having a moment straight from the intro class to Bible 101 it really smacked some peace into me.

I am missing one of my children, but God is not.  He goes with you.  He goes with Waverley.  I might have had to leave her, but He did not.  He never will.  He will not forsake her.  So.  I’m just remembering that.  And breathing.  And trying to hold onto that peace.  That peace feels pretty slippery.  But I know it will get better as we go on.

If you care to walk that road with us we’ll be here.

Love,
Molly

39 comments:

sarahbeyer said...

Molly, my heart so resonates with what you've said here. I have found it to be an oft-repeated story among those that have walked through suffering that we find that God is still there on the other side of the "worst thing." I mean, of course He is, but when you haven't gotten to the worst thing yet sometimes you wonder if He will be. We'll stay on the road with you guys...continuing to hold you up in prayer and asking God for the best for both of your girls.

Linnea said...

I am so so sorry.
I have no words.
I will continue to pray for your family.



Blessings,

Ashlee

Jessica Blake said...

Molly, you're just amazing. I'm so encouraged by your continued faith and trust is Jesus. You are just amazing.

Erin and Roger Bell said...

I love that still in this moment, your humor is still shining through. We love you guys and don't even know you. We are praying, as we have been for all of you. Just remember...keep breathing. A verse Laura shared with me years ago..."For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11. I know you know it, but sometimes just as you said before with the other verse although it may be bible 101, it is still true. Sometimes the simplicity of those verses we've heard again and again come screaming through just in the times we need them the most.
Love,
The Bells

pinktulips said...

we are still here... praying for you guys. people you don't know... just praying. thank you for updating. I love that verse and hold tightly to that promise for Wavy and you all too.... I thank God for his promises. Our hearts ache for you.

chris and diane said...

still here....still pr-ing. still waiting in anticipation of His glory coming through. still seeking Him for what good He can bring about for Wavy, for Harper, for Matt, for Molly. still trusting that His purposes do not lie only in the pain you are each living in right now. we are actively waiting for His shining through the cracks.

Mira's mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mira's mom said...

I am so glad you decided to keep updating. I think of your family often throughout the day. I will continue to lift you up in prayer. Thank you for being faithful to the promises of God, it is a great encouragement. Much love.

Carrie said...

I know we never have met, but I hurt with you...I cry when I think of your family and I pray for all your hearts. I am an adoptive Mom, and you are living my worst nightmare if I allow Satan in. And I know I am not living out this nightmare and hurt that you are, but I hurt with you, and God hurts with you even more, and he has your family in his arms and precious Waverly.
May you feel his peace more each day.

Coach's Wife said...

Molly...we are praying so hard for you. You are so right with this post. No one loves Waverly more than God. Please know that even though I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling...I am lifting you up daily. I'll continue praying for your family and for sweet Waverly.
In His Love,
Amy

Jami Nato said...

i am thrilled that you are continuing to write your story down. it's so important... it's good for you and it's good for your family. the story of your life didn't end when waverly left.

i am heartbroken about this. i think any mother or father that reads this is crying out to God right now. but you are so right, waverly is not alone. God takes care of his children. puts the whole christian-ee phrase "God is in control" in a new light.

praying for you all.

Cheyenne Schultz said...

Fig trees may not grow figs, and there may be no grapes on the vines. There may be no olives growing and no food growing in the fields. There may be no sheep in the pens and no cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad in the Lord; I will rejoice in God my savior. The Lord God is my strength.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Wes & Rachel Taylor said...

Molly, I know it's been a while since we've talked or really connected, but I am definitely walking this road with you. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers, as well as those of my friends here. Love, Rachel (Jumper)

Molly said...

You and your family has been on my heart.. I am still here and still all ways partying for you all and will never stop. I will definitely walk this road with you

Jenny said...

I was so glad to see this post! Your family has been on my heart and in my prayers! I simply cannot imagine what you are walking through. I'll continue to pray for you and your precious family!!!!!

Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

Dear sweet Molly,

I am certain that I stand among hundreds, if not thousands, who are hopeful that you will continue to use this blog to share your journey... even though the journey has taken a turn we didn't expect or hope for when we started it. As I might have already mentioned, I just know that God is not done with this journey. And the hundreds of people who have grown to love you and your family would love to watch it unfold. God WILL redeem this suffering. He WILL restore your brokenness. He WILL make good come from this awful situation. Your writing will be your witness and your encouragement to not only yourself, but to others. I can't help but think that one day, you will be able to look back at this blog, and see through your own words how God provided for you, healed you, and turned your tears into dancing. All that to say, I'm so glad you are "still here" and hope you will continue to allow this support network to pray for you, encourage you, and help you with any needs you might want to share! Plus, you ARE funny and you always make me smile... even when I am crying.

It goes without saying, but we are praying for you every time you cross our minds... which is very, very frequently. My prayer has been... "Lord, give Molly whatever she needs to get through today." One step at a time.

And as much as the image of you whispering that verse to Waverley as she was taken from you rips my heart into shreds, it also gives me hope. Molly, you have planted the seeds of faith within her. She will be an example to Devon and his family. And my prayer is that her witness will change them. And God will never leave her. He will not forsake her! He will use her to bring good into that family... I just know it. Hold tight to what you have taught her... it will sustain her. HE will sustain her.

Thank you for sharing your heart and your grief. There are so many who are here, ready to walk the road with you... hoping and praying that we will be able to carry the burden with you.

Love and many prayers to you and your dear family,
Danielle

Megan said...

Molly,
My heart aches for you and your family. You have been in my prayers daily. Praying for God's love and peace to surround you during this time.

Megan Adams

Doublemint Designs said...

I just have to tell you how glad I am that you are "Still Here". As previous posters have said, the journey is not over--God will see you and precious Waverly through it all. I check every day to see how I can be praying for you, and will continue to do so! Much love sent your way from a stranger who is broken-hearted.

Deanna

Jaime said...

Molly … WOW. I truly admire you. I can’t read your blog without weeping. I will always feel that special connection to you as adoptive moms. But as hard as it is sometimes to open up your blog and read about your pain & try to accept the reality of what has transpired, I always find so much comfort and encouragement in your (& Matt's) incredible faith in the midst of this terrible thing. I really hope and pray that when I’m faced with adversity that is just unfathomable, that I can cling to the truths and the love of Jesus that you both clearly know so well. I have been praying for you daily and you all are ALWAYS on my heart and mind. And I’m just one of hundreds, perhaps thousands, who feel this way. I will never stop praying for you all… for Harper, and for sweet Waverly. Keep sharing your story and your moments where you encounter God. You are an inspiration and your story touches the hearts of so many. Much love to you, my friend.
Jaime

Pipsylou said...

Walking with you. As foster parents, I know we may one day taste just a tiny piece of what you are feeling, and that scares me.

And yet, I know that God is there. He's already in those horrible places.

I'll walk that road with you.

Rachel (Dan's sister)

Katy said...

Molly,
My heart aches for you too. I continue to pray for you! You are an amazing woman, and mom. God loves Waverley and loves your family too.
Katy

Tasha said...

I am praying for you and your family and Waverly. I do not understand why things like this happen to anyone and I just want you to know, I may not know you personally but feel connected to your story. I feel compelled to say we are thinking and praying for you all.

HannahM said...

Molly- Thanks for the update, and continuing to share with us on this difficult journey. We'll keep praying!

Janet said...

Thank you for posting on this blog again. I like many, I have checked it often and wondered how you were doing. My heart aches for you, and I will continue to walk this journey with your family. You are in my prayers.

Amy said...

I have no words to describe how much I hurt for your family right now. All I can say is even though we've never met, I am crying along with you and praying for you to hold onto your slippery little piece of peace :) I am glad you have updated us, I hope you can feel our prayers coming to you. Please enjoy your retreat, knowing that God is truly with you wherever you go.

Kristin said...

Not going anywhere, friends. Unending prayers for you all and Wavy.

Lori said...

Dear Molly and Matt, Our prayers are with you as you go forth in God's strength. I've been following your blog since the beginning...am friend of Danielle's. As an adoptive mom, your story is familiar as we lost a baby girl, but only after 24 hours. The pain was unbearable, so what you are going through magnifies that infinitely. Your undying trust in the Lord is witness for so many. I will always keep your family in my prayers.

Ray said...

Your trust and faith in God is a testament to all who read your blog. You will be in my prayers. Continue to know that God is with Wavy and he loves her and your family

Jinny Newlin said...

Oh, Molly! I am so sorry. I wish there was more I could say, but you are looking in the right direction. He has all the answers and will trump anything I could possibly write, but I, really, wish I could just give you a hug.

Liesl said...

Molly (and your whole family),

You don't know me, but I found your story and have been following it. My heart breaks for you all, but also admires your steadfastness. We experienced our first failed adoption over the weekend, and I kept thinking about your family. I knew that God would bring us through (we actually were "blessed" to not have seen the baby...and now it turns out there may have never even been one...just one sick, twisted hoax that someone pulled).

I can't imagine having a sweet little one to love for several months and then have her taken from your arms. I will say, though, that God is doing some amazing things through you and your story. His Faithfulness shines through your words, and I know He is going to bless you for that.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Praying for you all...
Liesl Irwin

www.irwin-update.blogspot.com

Vanessa said...

My heart continues to break for you and with you. I'm praying for you both, Harper, and for God's peace and protection for Waverly.

Sonya said...

Not only are you still here--but I think you can tell that many of us are still here also. We want to continue to walk along side you as you take the next steps in your journey. I am remembering the story of Moses in Exodus 17--as long as he held up his arms the victory was theirs. As he got tired--others came along side to allow him to sit down as they held up his arms. Think of us as those standing beside you holding up your arms when you get tired. Please let us know when you need that the most. You are very much loved and we CARE.

Sonya (& Max)

kidsclosetsale@gmail.com said...

We are praying for your family as well as Wavy. Our hearts break for you.

Jess said...

I am so glad you posted. I am so glad you are sharing your feelings. Thank you. God blesses me with your words and I know that through your words touching people, God will bring some of His glory out of this traumatic, horrible situation.

As someone put it earlier, it ripped her heart to shreds to read your experiences. Mine was too when I read what you've gone through as you had to do the unthinkable. Oh Molly, I just cannot imagine.

I've been walking with a friend through a hard situation, talking about perseverance and how God builds it in us. He uses our own experiences to build it, but I also think he uses others experiences when they are transparent. Thank you for being transparent. It will help others persevere through future pain. I know it will help me keep my eyes on Jesus when I face future trials and pain.

Thank you for allowing others to walk down this painful road with you.

Mira's mom said...

I'm still thinking about Waverly and the rest of your family on a daily basis. I am still praying.

vanwink said...

Our hearts ache with yours. The faith that you & matt exhibit is inspirational and encouraging to all. glenn & i will continue to pray for peace, and hope for the future. Thanks for sharing this journey, friends.

Sonya said...

Just want to let you know that we are still here praying for you all--that includes Waverly as well as the home she is in. May God continue to give you the strenght for each step.

Charis and Duffy said...

I think my heart just re-broke after reading your words. I said goodbye to 2 pieces of my heart last July when my 2 foster daughters (10 months & 2 years old)were moved to a "permanent" foster home instead of us being allowed to adopt them. The winter jackets at Target this year were really cute...I totally get the bathing suit thing. Although I don't think the sadness will ever go away completely - the waves of grief that are crashing into you and knocking you over right now...will slowly get smaller and further apart. You have been and are being prayed for in Texas. All our love, Duffy & Charis

Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

Miss you "voice" here Molly... praying for you and hoping to "hear" from you soon! Love to you...