Monday, May 28, 2012

and we're back

Harper and I just got back from California. Visiting Matt's family was a really sweet thing. It was also a time where his absence was most striking. Harper loves the beach and the ocean. For some reason her go-to activity this visit was some dancing and cheering at the water's edge. I missed her dad for her. I missed my husband for myself. 

 The whole time we were there I had the 23rd Psalm running through my mind. Harper has it memorized, and I'd ask her to say it to me as she went to bed each night. The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads beside quiet waters. He restores my soul. It felt true. It felt like a promise. So I can be bitterly sad. I am. I'll be that way for a long time. I can also recognize that even in those moments, especially in those moments, God is up to something good. He's got things in mind for me. He's leading me. He is restoring me. I'm so thankful for His unchanging love. It is the one thing that always remains.

Still here,

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Long Post Where I'm Pretty Sad and Talk A Lot About My Mail

**One word of caution -- there are some pictures at the end that about did me in but that I really wanted to look at.  If they will upset you, there is no need to read any of this.  I don't like to be caught unaware by that stuff and thought you might not either.**

Today I got some really really bad mail.  I had known it would come, but I had kind of forgotten -- mostly on purpose.  I didn't get the mail yesterday and so I opened it today (Sunday {mother's day}).  It was one of those unexpected things that just sank me.  

One time recently I saw a counselor who was encouraging me to be kind to myself.  She asked me what I WANTED to do/what would feel best.  I quickly and firmly answered, "just sit."  So today after The Bad Mail I just sat.  Harper was playing in her room and whispering.  She always whispers to herself while she plays and I L-O-V-E it.  So I sat.  Quietly.  At the kitchen table.  And great things started to happen.  I had received some amazing texts and phone messages today wishing me a happy mother's day.  I re-read the texts.  Then I opened the good mail that I had saved up that came today too.  They were great cards.  And mother's day notes.  And some things said (basically -- and they felt like the sweetest words I'd ever heard), "I remember that you are Waverley's mom.  I realize today that while you miss Matt you are mostly missing your daughter.  I remember that one of the biggest holes that Matt left is that he was Waverley's dad and he is the only one who gets how this is besides you and he isn't here any more.  I remember that you have two girls not one.  I remember that you are so lonely today. " And one friend that I've talked about before, one of my total heroes, Danielle, sent me such a note and a book with some reminders.

Today at church a pastor talked about the word for strength.  In Hebrew it doesn't just mean your actual, physical strength.  It means your everything -- your attitude, your money, everything you have to offer.  She called it your very-ness.  Your very self.  I am thinking of it as your every-good-thing-that-I have-ness.  I'm sure anyone reading this totally followed that.  No.  (And also, hey mom - what's up?) But anyway. Then I was reading these verses in the book from Danielle.  The verses talked so much about strength, and I was so glad that I had just learned that this morning.  I'm confessing that I am a total verse skimmer when I read things people write.  Maybe you are a skimmer too.  But you should just read this one thing.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 
Psalm 73:26 (NAS)

okay two things

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:31 (also NAS)

When I read that I felt a huge dose of peace and thankfulness.  I had become worried because I feel like the only things I really have strength for are getting myself and Harper from morning to bedtime and feeling sad.  Today I felt utter misery missing my daughter and my husband.  I was just done.  Out of strength.  Good thing I don't have to worry about it.  God offers up His strength.  His very-ness. He is giving me His every-good-thing-that-I-have-ness.  And His strength is so good and so perfect and so complete and so safe.  I'll take it.

Harper and Waverley's Mom (always in my mind and heart if not in my life)

Friday, May 11, 2012

because I don't know. why not?

As per usual I am writing to use the internet as my therapy.  Like most people with a lot of common sense do.  I just put my girl to bed.  Since it is "Mother's Day" (never argue this no matter if it is true or not) her present to me was getting ready for bed without me asking her to do the same things over and over again.  It was actually a pretty amazing gift idea.  I will be asking for this for all future gift giving holidays.

Today only included a couple of hard tasks.  I am getting pretty good at taking care of doing hard things.  By "I" I mean a small team of people.  By "doing hard things" I mean arranging my disgusting new life and telling people that my husband has died and then hating them for making me say it.  Harps only had one serious melt down and a handful of tiny ones.  I got some good mail (I love getting good mail so much) and a present (I love getting presents more than anything).  I had one bad conversation and three good ones.  Tonight some of my favorites are coming for a couple of cocktails and to babysit me while I sleep.  This is a really good day on the spectrum of my days.

I have amazing people taking amazing care of me.  I have funny friends.  I have a home warranty.  I have lots of green tea lattes.  I have a daughter so amazing that she trumps all kids everywhere (sorry -- for saying it and for meaning it). I have some things I am looking forward to. I have hope.  I have a God who is good.  For these reasons I am still standing.