Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Long Post Where I'm Pretty Sad and Talk A Lot About My Mail

**One word of caution -- there are some pictures at the end that about did me in but that I really wanted to look at.  If they will upset you, there is no need to read any of this.  I don't like to be caught unaware by that stuff and thought you might not either.**

Today I got some really really bad mail.  I had known it would come, but I had kind of forgotten -- mostly on purpose.  I didn't get the mail yesterday and so I opened it today (Sunday {mother's day}).  It was one of those unexpected things that just sank me.  

One time recently I saw a counselor who was encouraging me to be kind to myself.  She asked me what I WANTED to do/what would feel best.  I quickly and firmly answered, "just sit."  So today after The Bad Mail I just sat.  Harper was playing in her room and whispering.  She always whispers to herself while she plays and I L-O-V-E it.  So I sat.  Quietly.  At the kitchen table.  And great things started to happen.  I had received some amazing texts and phone messages today wishing me a happy mother's day.  I re-read the texts.  Then I opened the good mail that I had saved up that came today too.  They were great cards.  And mother's day notes.  And some things said (basically -- and they felt like the sweetest words I'd ever heard), "I remember that you are Waverley's mom.  I realize today that while you miss Matt you are mostly missing your daughter.  I remember that one of the biggest holes that Matt left is that he was Waverley's dad and he is the only one who gets how this is besides you and he isn't here any more.  I remember that you have two girls not one.  I remember that you are so lonely today. " And one friend that I've talked about before, one of my total heroes, Danielle, sent me such a note and a book with some reminders.

Today at church a pastor talked about the word for strength.  In Hebrew it doesn't just mean your actual, physical strength.  It means your everything -- your attitude, your money, everything you have to offer.  She called it your very-ness.  Your very self.  I am thinking of it as your every-good-thing-that-I have-ness.  I'm sure anyone reading this totally followed that.  No.  (And also, hey mom - what's up?) But anyway. Then I was reading these verses in the book from Danielle.  The verses talked so much about strength, and I was so glad that I had just learned that this morning.  I'm confessing that I am a total verse skimmer when I read things people write.  Maybe you are a skimmer too.  But you should just read this one thing.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 
Psalm 73:26 (NAS)

okay two things

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:31 (also NAS)

When I read that I felt a huge dose of peace and thankfulness.  I had become worried because I feel like the only things I really have strength for are getting myself and Harper from morning to bedtime and feeling sad.  Today I felt utter misery missing my daughter and my husband.  I was just done.  Out of strength.  Good thing I don't have to worry about it.  God offers up His strength.  His very-ness. He is giving me His every-good-thing-that-I-have-ness.  And His strength is so good and so perfect and so complete and so safe.  I'll take it.

Harper and Waverley's Mom (always in my mind and heart if not in my life)


annieglan said...

Happy Mother's day. I also consider my Sweet Potato our son, until I am gone he will always be in my heart. It's a hard thing. I am praying for your family.

Sarah said...

Simply put, You Are AMAZING! There are so many things to be said of your strength, courage, authenticity, etc., etc. You continue to amaze and inspire me. Still praying for you and your sweet Harper and Waverley.
Sarah Bengtson

Jessica Blake said...

oh miss Molly. You are so brave, in a way that no one ever wants to, or should have to be brave, you are brave. Thinking about you and praying for you today and everyday. You are an incredible mama to your two girls. One up-close incredible mama, and one not quite so physically up-close, but up-close just the same mama. Did that make sense? no? oh well. not much makes sense these days anyway right? :) Either way, you know how to love your two girls in just the right way. Happy Mothers Day Molly.

Pipsylou said...

verse skimmers. you got me. I skimmed them the first time and then read them the second, and also read what you wrote below that. I was basically thinking this morning that you are doing what you need to do right now, which is basically existing and making sure Harper has her basic needs met. (I kind of want to say 'basic' one more time. The only other way I can think of to say "basic" is to mention the movie "Basic Instinct", which really has nothing to do with anything, so I'll let it go.)

Other than that, well? It's amazing how simple life becomes when we have no strength for anything else.

I kept looking at the bottom photo on your blog in the days after Matt passed (died? went to be with Jesus? I have no idea which way to put all sounds weird and surreal) and was realizing that half of those people in that picture are GONE, and I started praying for God to give you extra grace to just do what you needed to do each day and HE would supply the rest and HE would make it glaringly obvious to you that HE was the one doing it.

I prayed and am praying that there would be absolutely no room for doubt and that you would KNOW it was God holding you up - not your friends and family, though they are wonderful and good, but that GOD has got this.

Oh, and Danielle? You might want to keep her around.

Kelsey said...

Oh Molly. That last picture of Matt and Wavy is just heartbreakingly beautiful. I love the look on Matt's face. I am so sorry that a day meant to celebrate mamas holds such sorrow for you. I am so glad that you have people in your life who are intuitive about that stuff for you. What a gift. Wavy is your girl in my heart, too. Thank you, Lord for your strength, made perfect in weakness.

Jess said...

Oh Molly!!! I am SO glad you are posting!!! Selfishly, I want you to because I LOVE hearing your heart and unselfishly, I know God is using your beauty and your transparency to bless others and guide them to Himself.

You are simply beautiful. Every part about you.


Jami Nato said...

i am glad you are writing.

i keep wanting to ask you if you want to hang out with me. but i know you have lots of good buddies. a super strong community.

but nato says he talked to matt a couple months ago. just that one time when he was asking something about adoption. and matt insisted that we hang out because he said you liked me. and that we should be friends.

and i don't know. matt just loved you so much, he is taking care of you even now after he's gone. setting up random friendships for you with strangers from the inter web. :)

all that to say, this all makes me cry to write. but i like you and i'm proud of you for putting your hope in Jesus when so much has been taken away from you. we should have been friends a long time ago.

and also if you think this is weird and dumb, you can totally delete it.

Doublemint Designs said...

No words, just cyber hugs from a complete stranger. Praying for your continued strength.

Ali Freudenthal said...

Molly, I have never met you but have followed your blog for awhile now. I am sitting here crying because my heart hurts so bad for you. I want you to know I am praying for you and Miss Harper. And for Wavy. You have had to endure things no person should have to. But your faith and reliance on the Lord is so encouraging and amazing. And your pictures at the end of the blog are beautiful! Lots of love to you. Ali Freudenthal

bri-bri said...

jessica said everything i wanted to say in a perfect way. thanks, jessica! love you, mol!!!

bri-bri said...

jessica said everything i wanted to say in the most perfect way. thanks, jessica! i love you, mol!

shelly said...

we've never met. i worked with matt a couple times earlier this year at the hope center with my roommate. the three of us bonded over mutual friends and acquaintances (we went to southwest baptist university) and college basketball.

i didn't know your adoption story at the time, but i do now. i think about you and your girls often and pray for you every time you come to mind. i think that's what i want to say. that even though i don't actually know you, i remember you. and harper. and waverly.

i'm not typically a scripture share-er (because i too tend to be a skimmer when people share them with me) but i came across something last night that made me think of you. it's lamentations 3: 19-33 (i suggest the message version). it's about hoping in God...and a reminder that He'll always come through. i'll keep thinking of you and i'll keep praying.

Sonya said...

Always praying! Thanks for sharing your heart.

Katy said...

Praying for you and Harper! I am another one that has never met you but I pray for you and your strength.You have endured so very much. I send you hugs and much love through Jesus!!!!!