and we're back

Harper and I just got back from California. Visiting Matt's family was a really sweet thing. It was also a time where his absence was most striking. Harper loves the beach and the ocean. For some reason her go-to activity this visit was some dancing and cheering at the water's edge. I missed her dad for her. I missed my husband for myself. 

 The whole time we were there I had the 23rd Psalm running through my mind. Harper has it memorized, and I'd ask her to say it to me as she went to bed each night. The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads beside quiet waters. He restores my soul. It felt true. It felt like a promise. So I can be bitterly sad. I am. I'll be that way for a long time. I can also recognize that even in those moments, especially in those moments, God is up to something good. He's got things in mind for me. He's leading me. He is restoring me. I'm so thankful for His unchanging love. It is the one thing that always remains.


Still here,
Molly

A Long Post Where I'm Pretty Sad and Talk A Lot About My Mail

**One word of caution -- there are some pictures at the end that about did me in but that I really wanted to look at.  If they will upset you, there is no need to read any of this.  I don't like to be caught unaware by that stuff and thought you might not either.**


Today I got some really really bad mail.  I had known it would come, but I had kind of forgotten -- mostly on purpose.  I didn't get the mail yesterday and so I opened it today (Sunday {mother's day}).  It was one of those unexpected things that just sank me.  


One time recently I saw a counselor who was encouraging me to be kind to myself.  She asked me what I WANTED to do/what would feel best.  I quickly and firmly answered, "just sit."  So today after The Bad Mail I just sat.  Harper was playing in her room and whispering.  She always whispers to herself while she plays and I L-O-V-E it.  So I sat.  Quietly.  At the kitchen table.  And great things started to happen.  I had received some amazing texts and phone messages today wishing me a happy mother's day.  I re-read the texts.  Then I opened the good mail that I had saved up that came today too.  They were great cards.  And mother's day notes.  And some things said (basically -- and they felt like the sweetest words I'd ever heard), "I remember that you are Waverley's mom.  I realize today that while you miss Matt you are mostly missing your daughter.  I remember that one of the biggest holes that Matt left is that he was Waverley's dad and he is the only one who gets how this is besides you and he isn't here any more.  I remember that you have two girls not one.  I remember that you are so lonely today. " And one friend that I've talked about before, one of my total heroes, Danielle, sent me such a note and a book with some reminders.


Today at church a pastor talked about the word for strength.  In Hebrew it doesn't just mean your actual, physical strength.  It means your everything -- your attitude, your money, everything you have to offer.  She called it your very-ness.  Your very self.  I am thinking of it as your every-good-thing-that-I have-ness.  I'm sure anyone reading this totally followed that.  No.  (And also, hey mom - what's up?) But anyway. Then I was reading these verses in the book from Danielle.  The verses talked so much about strength, and I was so glad that I had just learned that this morning.  I'm confessing that I am a total verse skimmer when I read things people write.  Maybe you are a skimmer too.  But you should just read this one thing.


My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 
Psalm 73:26 (NAS)

okay two things

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:31 (also NAS)


When I read that I felt a huge dose of peace and thankfulness.  I had become worried because I feel like the only things I really have strength for are getting myself and Harper from morning to bedtime and feeling sad.  Today I felt utter misery missing my daughter and my husband.  I was just done.  Out of strength.  Good thing I don't have to worry about it.  God offers up His strength.  His very-ness. He is giving me His every-good-thing-that-I-have-ness.  And His strength is so good and so perfect and so complete and so safe.  I'll take it.


Love,
Molly
Harper and Waverley's Mom (always in my mind and heart if not in my life)

because I don't know. why not?

As per usual I am writing to use the internet as my therapy.  Like most people with a lot of common sense do.  I just put my girl to bed.  Since it is "Mother's Day" (never argue this no matter if it is true or not) her present to me was getting ready for bed without me asking her to do the same things over and over again.  It was actually a pretty amazing gift idea.  I will be asking for this for all future gift giving holidays.


Today only included a couple of hard tasks.  I am getting pretty good at taking care of doing hard things.  By "I" I mean a small team of people.  By "doing hard things" I mean arranging my disgusting new life and telling people that my husband has died and then hating them for making me say it.  Harps only had one serious melt down and a handful of tiny ones.  I got some good mail (I love getting good mail so much) and a present (I love getting presents more than anything).  I had one bad conversation and three good ones.  Tonight some of my favorites are coming for a couple of cocktails and to babysit me while I sleep.  This is a really good day on the spectrum of my days.


I have amazing people taking amazing care of me.  I have funny friends.  I have a home warranty.  I have lots of green tea lattes.  I have a daughter so amazing that she trumps all kids everywhere (sorry -- for saying it and for meaning it). I have some things I am looking forward to. I have hope.  I have a God who is good.  For these reasons I am still standing.


Love,
Molly

Ways to Help

TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2012 8:35 PM, CDT

meals, thanks, etc.

Thank you for your continued inquiries about helping out...

We wanted to let you know that there are several things you can do if you find yourself with the urge to do so.

memories and encouragements - 

The family has cherished your comments on the guestbook here and been encouraged by your prayers.  Please continue to pray for whatever comes to mind as you think of them in the grieving process...  Also, if you have a special memory or picture of Matt that you would like Harper to read/see someday - send that to jessicagunkel@gmail.com.  They will be compiled as a gift to her.

volunteering, donations, etc - 

The Hope Center would love some time and attention in this time of transition, and you can find out how to volunteer at  www.hopecenterkc.org.

You can also still contribute to the memorial fund - scroll down to previous entries to see the information and address to send it to.

meals for the families - 

for information on providing meals please email jadevanslyke@yahoo.com.  There has been a ton of response on this, so consider a meal for extended family/friends if you know them...

not sure how to help?

In times like these, we often don't know what to do or how to act.  Just remember to keep the individual's needs at the forefront (needs for rest, alone or family time).  Grieving is necessary, hard,  and at times incredibly private... talking can be draining, even with a close friend.  Use your gifts to thoughtfully care for those in need - not just the Nagel family, but those in need around YOU, as well. If you don't personally know the family, consider those in YOUR family or neighborhood that need a blessing from you this week! 

grace and peace to you this evening, friends...

jL

Memorial Donations

FRIDAY, APRIL 6, 2012 7:54 AM, CDT

helping out...

Heartfelt thanks to all who came to the memorial yesterday and to those who were there in spirit.  For those who asked,  

donations in Honor of Matt Nagel can be made to:

The Hope Center

2800 East Linwood Blvd

Kansas City, Mo. 64128

www.hopecenterkc.org 

Or

Matthew R. Nagel Memorial Fund

Checks payable to Molly Nagel

Send to:

Heartland Community Church

12175 South Strang Line Road

Olathe, KS 66062

A link to provide meals or other needs for the families will be posted Monday morning.  Thank you for all your inquiries.

Pray for the family today as they lay Matt to rest.

Matt Nagel Obituary

HURSDAY, APRIL 5, 2012 7:14 AM, CDT

Matthew Robert Nagel, age 35, beloved son, husband and father, went home to the Lord April 4, 2012 at KU Medical Center after suffering a stroke.   He passed peacefully from the arms of his love to the arms of his Savior.

Matt was born January 12, 1977 in Kansas City, MO to Brian and Vicki Nagel of Spring Hill, KS. He graduated from Kansas City Christian High School and later from Kansas State University.  He worked in church ministry, construction management and most recently in non-profit community development at The Hope Center, as Director of Operations.   In addition to cheering on the Wildcats, he enjoyed spending time outdoors in Colorado, and taking care of his precious girls. 

He is survived by his bride of nearly 10 years, Molly Heintzelman Nagel, their daughter Harper, his parents, his brother Mark and family, and his treasured extended family and countless devoted friends.  They will miss his tender heart, fierce devotion, buoyant smile and contagious, steady faith. 

A memorial service to celebrate Matt’s life will be held April 5, 2012 at 4pm at Heartland Community Church,12175 S. Strangline Rd, Olathe, KS  66062.

In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made in his honor to The Hope Center – www.hopecenterkc.org  - (816) 931-6290.   

Information on how to contribute to a memorial fund will be available at the service and subsequently on CaringBridge and on this blog.

Arr.: Signature Funerals; honoring life; honoring death. (816) 214-5174   www.signaturefunerals.com

Family Needs

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4, 2012 11:37 AM, CDT

Family needs

Thank you so much for your outpouring of support and desire to meet the needs of Matt's loved ones.  Instead of contacting the family, please stay tuned for a caring bridge update with a link to sign up to bring meals when the family is ready to receive them.  They are so thankful for your prayers.

NOTE: Information regarding the meals and other needs will also be copied to this blog.