When my boyfriend Matt and I were getting serious I brought this up with him. I told him I had no idea what it meant. I just thought he should know. We discussed how little we both cared in that moment. That we thought adoption was pretty amazing, and we would be fine building a family that way if it came to it. About nine months into our marriage I somehow messed up the birth control I had been taking for the last eight or so years. I stopped taking it figuring I would resume it in a few weeks. However, some health issues came to light instead. For a whole host of reasons that don't really matter anymore we would not use any form of birth control again. My doctors assured us a couple of years later when my good health was restored, that there should be no long term impact on my child bearing abilities. Great news! So we tried getting pregnant. For a year. And nothing happened. Never a pregnancy.
So we stopped actively trying and started down a path that would bring the most wonderful little girl to ever walk this earth straight to our home. It was a beautiful experience. Why would we use birth control? It didn't matter. I surely wouldn't get pregnant, and if I did, that would be fine too. But we didn't.
So time and life and happiness and grief went by. I wrote last about the gift of Jake in my life and about marrying him. I celebrated God's goodness in providing me with someone to bear the pain and celebrate the sweetness with. Now let's get down to the part that I am typing slowly with reluctant fingers. I am super into my relationship with God. So is Jake. We each hold that as our highest value. As part of that belief we embrace that God has certain ways He wants us to live our lives. These "ways" don't always follow cultural norms or mainstream lifestyles. We believe that He intends sex to be between people that are married. The thing about His plans is they are to free us not to hinder us. They are so we experience the best there is, not to beat us down. I do the best I can, but at the end of the day, I am just a broken and messed up person living in grace. Jake and I should have waited until we were married. However, we did not. I am not making one excuse. I am putting that out there so that is not glossed over. Also to save anyone from doing the math. I will not bring that up again, but wanted to be very clear what my take on that is.
Now, in one of the sweetest realities I have experienced in my entire life, God is so loving, that even though we messed it up, He did not withhold his love or blessing. One very memorable, very wild, and very amazing day I took a test. It was positive. I was pregnant. Pregnant! Something my body was not capable of was happening.
It was so hard to believe, but I am here to tell you -- it was true. Pregnant. If that isn't the bottom line of grace I don't know what is. Even in disobedience, God gifted me with something I didn't even know to hope for. A complete blessing. Pregnant. The word still tasted funny in my mouth. It was as if He was saying to me, "I love you! I am rebuilding your hope. I am giving you a future. You lost much, but you will have much. Full arms. A full heart. A new family to add to the parts of yours that remain. I care for you and want good things for you. I am here. I am good." Because He is good. So, so good.
What started with Jake continued to grow -- a new family for Harper and I. And just like with Jake, my grief had a joyful counterpart. Our numbers were increasing. What had previously been broken was being healed. A perfect babe was headed our way.