Wednesday, October 2, 2013


When I was sixteen years old I went to the Lady Doctor for an annual exam and a renewal on my prescription for birth control.  I started taking the pill when I was fourteen years old to regualte some otherwise completely crazy cycles.  She casually put out there, "well, you'll probably have a really hard time getting pregnant."  I was bewildered and didn't know what to ask so I said nothing.  It was not an especially helpful comment and I had no idea what to make of it.  There was no context so I wasn't sure if she was guessing that based on some unknown factor she was considering or if this was a serious diagnosis.

When my boyfriend Matt and I were getting serious I brought this up with him.  I told him I had no idea what it meant.  I just thought he should know.  We discussed how little we both cared in that moment.  That we thought adoption was pretty amazing, and we would be fine building a family that way if it came to it.  About nine months into our marriage I somehow messed up the birth control I had been taking for the last eight or so years.  I stopped taking it figuring I would resume it in a few weeks. However, some health issues came to light instead.  For a whole host of reasons that don't really matter anymore we would not use any form of birth control again.  My doctors assured us a couple of years later when my good health was restored, that there should be no long term impact on my child bearing abilities.  Great news! So we tried getting pregnant.  For a year.  And nothing happened.  Never a pregnancy.  

So we stopped actively trying and started down a path that would bring the most wonderful little girl to ever walk this earth straight to our home.  It was a beautiful experience. Why would we use birth control? It didn't matter.  I surely wouldn't get pregnant, and if I did, that would be fine too.  But we didn't.  

So time and life and happiness and grief went by.  I wrote last about the gift of Jake in my life and about marrying him.  I celebrated God's goodness in providing me with someone to bear the pain and celebrate the sweetness with.  Now let's get down to the part that I am typing slowly with reluctant fingers.  I am super into my relationship with God.  So is Jake.  We each hold that as our highest value. As part of that belief we embrace that God has certain ways He wants us to live our lives.  These "ways" don't always follow cultural norms or mainstream lifestyles.  We believe that He intends sex to be between people that are married.  The thing about His plans is they are to free us not to hinder us.  They are so we experience the best there is, not to beat us down.  I do the best I can, but at the end of the day, I am just a broken and messed up person living in grace. Jake and I should have waited until we were married.  However, we did not. I am not making one excuse.  I am putting that out there so that is not glossed over.  Also to save anyone from doing the math.  I will not bring that up again, but wanted to be very clear what my take on that is.

Now, in one of the sweetest realities I have experienced in my entire life, God is so loving, that even though we messed it up, He did not withhold his love or blessing. One very memorable, very wild, and very amazing day I took a test.  It was positive.  I was pregnant.  Pregnant! Something my body was not capable of was happening.

It was so hard to believe, but I am here to tell you -- it was true. Pregnant.  If that isn't the bottom line of grace I don't know what is.  Even in disobedience, God gifted me with something I didn't even know to hope for.  A complete blessing.  Pregnant.  The word still tasted funny in my mouth.  It was as if He was saying to me, "I love you! I am rebuilding your hope.  I am giving you a future.  You lost much, but you will have much.  Full arms.  A full heart.  A new family to add to the parts of yours that remain.  I care for you and want good things for you. I am here.  I am good." Because He is good.  So, so good.

What started with Jake continued to grow -- a new family for Harper and I.  And just like with Jake, my grief had a joyful counterpart.  Our numbers were increasing.  What had previously been broken was being healed.  A perfect babe was headed our way.


annieglan said...

OH MY GOSH!!! What a blessing!! Congratulations! I truly am so happy for you, Harper, and Jake! I hope you post more during your journey.

LA said...

I think this is great! The Lord is so faithful!
"So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide"

Whenever I hear this song I think of you. And this blog is exactly why.
ummmm lets be friends in real life. k?

Kelsey said...

Every Tuesday and Thursday when I pick Lila up from preschool, one of her little classmates looks up at me and exclaims: "You're back!" Every time. Twice a week.

When I saw this post in my reader, I heard that little girl's voice in my head and wanted to yell with the same enthusiasm: "Molly! You're back!"

I miss your writing. You are a good writer and you have a good story to tell. I'm glad you're back!

Anonymous said...


I've been waiting for an update about you and your family, and I'm so glad that you're all doing well.

I look forward to reading what else your family has been up to! And what this new little bundle is all about!


Anonymous said...

I haven't checked your blog in a very long time, and today you came across my mind...and what do you know? There it is...a new blog post from you TODAY! What a marvelous one it was. I must tell you that despite some urge inside you to tell your story, you didn't have to, it wasn't ours to be entitled to know, but I thank you, for your honesty, for your always. I've missed that. I pray that you feel released from guilt, but only and always see the goodness in all of this. My husband and I started out the same way...christians who were dating and two months pregnant, we messed it all up. God didn't mess up though. We now have a beautiful 8 year old boy who as it ended up was to be our only biological child. God knows what he's doing..even when we don't. He doesn't mess up, make mistakes, He knows exactly what we need when we need it. We adopted our other son almost 2 years ago and our family continues to grow in ways that cease to amaze me. Praying for you Molly...and Harper, and Jake, and this precious sweet baby. :) Blessings to all of you. -Erin

Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

Dear, dear Molly... please keep writing. Please :) This is beautiful and lovely and honest and COURAGEOUS! You wrote it perfectly... the part that was hard to write. Keep being brave, friend. Keep seeing the good! Much love...

Anonymous said...

I love your writing. I hope you put it into a book someday. I will be one of the first to buy it. God has given you a gift to be able to express yourself so well in words.

Swagger said...

Congrats Molly. I am so happy for you. I miss seeing you and Harper, but am so excited for you and your family. Ashley and Rylee

brit said...

girl, from one "should have waited" mama to another, I undertand.

I LOVE how you said "God is so loving, that even though we messed it up, He did not withhold his love or blessing." and "Even in disobedience, God gifted me with something I didn't even know to hope for." AMEN.

I always say thank God for unanswered prayers. he knew what I needed more than I did. he is SO good and truly makes all things work together for our good.

Kristen G said...

I checked back to this blog for MONTHS since your last post and just now, today I thought about that girl Molly who was such a woman of strength who had endured SO SO much and thought, hmm... wonder if she ever started blogging again... so... I googled Molly and Harper and there it was WAVEYBEL blog! YAYYYYY!~ So glad to be reading your posts again! Please don't stop! Complete strangers are finding hope through you! You are such a blessing!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the birth of your son. Your son't birth brought so much healing to your whole family. Perhaps in God's eyes you were already married and even if you had not declared it on earth in front of your family and friends God knew.