Monday, October 15, 2012

God's Goodness

I lost my two and half year old daughter to a failed adoption.  I am still recovering.  The pain of that was unlike anything I can describe.  Fourteen months later, my husband died.  My best friend.  The father of my children.  The only one who shared the exact pain from losing our girl.  My faithful companion of twelve years. A decade of marriage.  I knew in those awful days it took him to die that I would probably make it, but I would have given anything to have died right next to him.

You can't know what it's like.  You can't.  You can't.

For four years I have been living in crisis.  We were in over two years of legal and emotional hell as we faced losing our daughter.  We listened to a stranger tell us we had less than 28 days left with our daughter.  We sat down at a table as a family and explained to our children that one of them was leaving.  Matt and I grieved heavily for a year.  We fought a collective depression and despair.  Then two months later he left home for a run and did not come home.  Harper was fatherless.  I was a widow.  People try to imagine what that's like. You can't though. You can't know how badly your teeth chatter when you ache so deeply.  You really can't.  To live in it every second.  For there to be no escape from that agony.  To watch your child feel it.  You can't know.

I am not trying to commend myself here -- I am just communicating a truth: during that time I said to God every day, "Lord, you are good."  I told Harper.  I would tell you if you wanted to know how I felt about it.  I believe that God is unchanging.  He is not the god of my personal good fortune.  He is the one true God.  And He is GOOD.

During the last few months a friend has walked beside me.  He became a better friend, then a really good good friend, then the friend that meant the most to me.  It was a time in my life where every food tasted wrong and stale.  Life was flat and small or daunting and looming.  Everyone seemed two dimensional -- like they were made out of paper.  This man, Jake, felt like he was warm and whole and had a beating heart.  I didn't mean to.  I started to love him.  He didn't mean to.  He started to love me.  Then we realized separately that the thought of not having each other was very scary.  I don't want to think about life without him.  He won't think about life without me.  When I am with this man I feel joy pouring out of me.  Not the joy you can feel where you are sad but know hope and faith.  The joy you feel when you feel God's smile upon you and a fresh hope and a deeper faith.  And I tell God, "Lord, you are good."

I praise an almighty God who created redemption and who created restoration.  I am trembling with confidence and thankfulness.  I praise Him for redeeming my life and my story and restoring my future.   He is giving me comfort and joy instead of sorrow.  He is creating beauty out of ashes.

I am not done grieving.  I won't ever be.  This new thing isn't instead of the old.  It's along side of.  I'm taking it with me.  Our life with Matt is a treasure to me and to Harper.  It's part of us and it goes where we go.  Matt loved us most.  And we him.  If the tables were turned, and it was me who died and not Matt, and I got to come visit him right now, I would hug him and kiss his face; I would put my hands on his shoulders and look him in the eye and say with urgency, "run -- do not walk into this goodness that is in store for you."  So that's what Harper and I are doing.  God is good.  And Jake is the goodness He is giving us.  I am running hard to it.  We are getting married this fall.  I am weeping with gratitude.  I have learned that when you know joy this deeply your teeth chatter too.  And that is something I hope you do know and can know.

Once again, I will say, "LORD, YOU ARE GOOD."

36 comments:

annieglan said...

I am crying right now. I am so happy for you!!! I prayed for you to have a partner and Harper a father.

I can't wait for you to post pictures of him.

Kelsey said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the best news ever!!!!!
Joining with you in saying, "Lord you are good!!!"
p.s. I left you a babbling, excited voice mail!

ColleenaMareena said...

Congrats! You need someone to love and be loved by. I'm so glad to hear that you'll be able to have that someone there always. And I agree: We will never understand how or why things happen as they do, but God does, and everything will always work out for our good if we move forward with faith.

sarah said...

Molly {and Harper}, How good God is!!! Praying for your sweet family as you add Jake in and continue this journey! CONGRATS!!!

Jess said...

Nothing but support, my beautiful friend. Nothing. You and Jake will be beautiful together and this makes nothing but perfect sense to me. Much Love. I am (finally) able to be happy for you!

Julie said...

My husband had a wonderful, loving, beautiful, talented wife before me. She was taken from this world by a wreakless driver. We met, we became friends, love happened, and we got married.

I wish I had your email, we could offer a tiny bit of support in what feels like an ocean of emotion for the both of you.

I am so happy for your happiness. :)

Linnea said...

Congrats!! So many times I have prayed for your family. God is so good. Run into that goodness!!! Be blessed

Ashlee

I am Bethany. said...

I'm so happy for you, Molly. God is good!

Kristen G said...

I am a complete stanger who has followed your journey for quite some time and my teeth are doing a little chatter dance for you Molly! That is AMAZING! Our GOD is SO Faithful and GOOD!
<3 Kristen Gillespie

Totschies said...

Molly, praying for you all often, praise the Lord, for HE is Good!

Christie said...

Molly, I am so thrilled for you. THis is sweet and pure news that makes me praise God for all of his healing and goodness.

brit said...

commented earlier but I think something happened and it didn't post. I was a bit long winded so I'll sum it up: to hear you say "God is Good" after all you have been through is encouraging and convicting. I am rejoicing with you in God's goodness! so excited for you and Harper. I only ask that you post pictures :)

Jaime said...

Well once again I'm crying - happy tears! I love that I get to cry tears of joy for you, Molly...and Harper...and Jake. Nothing but support from the Summers' Family. I definitely believe Matt is smiling too...to see that his beautiful wife, amazing daughter, and dear friend (who is one amazing guy for sure) get to walk this life together. Beautiful. You are amazing.
Love you guys!
Jaime

Dana Butler said...

MOLLY!!! I am so excited for you. Wait... I can't even say that. Those words don't do justice at ALL to what I'm I'm trying to express. Holy cow... God is just GOOD. Extravagant. Just... wow. I'm speechless.

CELEBRATING for you.

Dana... from the zoo. haha. :)

michelle said...

I have been following your story since you adopted harper. (I used to go to heartland when i lived in kc...i was known as the chili's girl and i worked in the nursery for a while) anyrate. My heart has broke for you as you have walked out the last couple years and i have constantly been praying that throughout all of this you would still be able to say that God is good...praise be to God that you ARE! Congratulations does not seem good enough to express how good it was to read this yesterday. Your testimony while hard is also a beauiful testament to what it looks like to walk faithfully with God. My heart sings for you three and am so excited to see what this new chapter brings for you. I also cannot get this song out of my head and everytime i hear it i again think of you and jake and harper. May Gods face smile upon you. Oh and heres the link to the song...its all sons and daughters: called me higher.
Sorry this became a novel. Peace and blessings to you and yours.




http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=1eeeNPMzEEk&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D1eeeNPMzEEk

jb said...

I am so, so happy for all of you. Congratulations!

Pipsylou said...

"If the tables were turned, and it was me who died and not Matt, and I got to come visit him right now, I would hug him and kiss his face; I would put my hands on his shoulders and look him in the eye and say with urgency, "run -- do not walk into this goodness that is in store for you."

that is some good sh*t...

and this is me saying to you, "run -- do not walk into writing the book of the story of your life."

I am giddy with excitement for you and this amazing HOPE that has bounced into your life. Life is precious and you know that truth all too well.

Embrace the goodness!

And everyone says together, "HUZZAH!!!!!!"

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Molly. So happy for you. God is so very, very good.

Elizabeth (a reader who stumbled on your blog a while ago) :)

Sonya said...

Thought of Psalm 30:5b: "weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning "
I now have a new name to add to my prayer list for you. May God continue to bless you and Harper as you enter into this new chapter in your lives.

Anonymous said...

I have never commented but have followed your story for a long time. I wondered if you've ever read a blog by Veronica King (veronking2003@blogspot.com). She has gone through a very similar situation as you have and has recently married a man who sounds as wonderful at Jake. I wish you the best-you deserve it!

Jamie J

Adrienne said...

I like the part about the teeth chattering. Only someone who has experienced as much pain as you have could also experience this depth of joy. I'm thrilled for you, Molly. Much love and support to you and Jake.

Anonymous said...

congratulations!!! such a wonderful post.

LA said...

Molly my whole body is tingling! I am almost short of breath. (And dramatic- I mean who says they are almost short of breath) POINT IS. I am OVERWHELMED with hope right now. I am reminded of a scripture "I am confident of this- I will see the GOODNESS of the Lord in the land of the living"
Thank you for continuing to share your story- you amaze me. And your unyielding faithfulness and belief in the Goodness of the Lord does my heart good. (I am quick to forget his goodness).
You are so loved- and this news is so wonderful.

Jan Anderson said...

You don't know me, but through mutual friends, I have followed your journey, praying for you as trial after trial rained down on you. With this joyful post, I feel a tremendous Yes and Amen! in my spirit and am rejoicing with you for a Father's goodness that is not limited to our human understanding. May He continually lift you up as a new chapter begins in your life, one that includes a partner named Jake.

Cassie said...

I am really excited for you. Congratulations!

Georgia Damalas Snodgrass said...

God works in mysterious ways. I love how you said, 'beauty from ashes'. Well said. And what a beautiful song by Shane & Shane... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL544f8FmNA

God bless you and your family.

brit said...

I woke up with you and sweet Harper on my mind this morning. praying for you two!

Katy said...

Love is good Molly. You need that happiness and love from Jake. I was overwhelmed for happiness for you reading this blog today. Good Luck sweetie and God's goodness shall follow you always.

Wes & Rachel Taylor said...

Oh, Molly, I'm so excited for you! It's the ampersand. I wish you & Jake & Harper all the joy in the world!

Vanessa said...

I'm so happy for you and Harper! Praise God!!

Julie Tiemann said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post. You express yourself so well, Molly. This sentence will stick with me forever: "This new thing isn't instead of the old. It's along side of." I've read many times how joy and sorrow are inseparable, and "seeing" you walk this journey is living proof of that statement. I am over the moon for you - a woman I've never met - and Harper. I pray that this goodness you're walking into continues to pour into your life, and I rejoice with you that God is indeed GOOD.

Love,
Julie T. (a friend of Jessica Gunkel)

halley said...

We saw your family at Smashburger last night. I went and sat down at a table, and looked across the way and saw Harper. They looked really happy snuggled together eating. I wanted to say something, to tell Harper that I think she is gorgeous, and from the stories you tell, amazing. I wanted to tell her that I pray for her every day. But it seems to me that it would have come off as really crazy to her to have a lady she didnt know tell her that. My one year old kept turning around in his high chair to wave to her though, so I did say, "he likes you" which made her smile. So, in case your husband came home and said, "some awkard redheaded lady kept staring at us" it was me, and it was because I am so thankful and glad for your happiness. You and Harper deserve every good thing headed your way.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for a while and admire you so much. Happy news is so much sweeter when we see it come to those who have been through such hard times. May God's goodness and love bless your marriage, may you keep blessing your daughter with the MOST amazing mother, and may your faith continue to inspire others the way it has me.

jb said...

Continue to think of you often and to pray for all of you.

Anonymous said...

I really miss following Molly & Harpers story... Has their blog moved or is she just sooo busy with her new man?! :) Hope all is well!

Pipsylou said...

Just had to come back and read this post on this snowy day.

Wanted to leave your blog smiling. It feels good to do that, did you know?