Monday, October 8, 2012

Diary of a Quitter, Part II

I had two sweet dogs. It came to be that I was not in a position to have them anymore. It is really broke my heart for a minute. I felt terrible that I committed to these animals and now I gave them away. However, since Matt died, I feel like it is one more thing that I am incapable of handling at this time. So I quit my pups and with a lot of help, I found homes for these good dogs.

 

For the past few weeks I have been trying to put aside my guilt over eliminating the things in my life that are good things but are adding stress that I don't need. I am trying to realize my limitations. Without Matt and with my current life circumstances some things just have to change. Unfortunately, the dogs were such a thing. Other things I love that are going by the wayside are a book club I enjoyed, a wedding I really wanted to go to, a discussion group and about a simpler way of life I wanted to attend weekly, and other really pleasant things.

I am really attempting to free my life from the things that are weighing me down so that I can do right by Harper, and take care of myself. I'm making an effort to ask guilt and self criticism to take a few big steps back from me so I can rest easy in my choices. There is lots of talk in counseling of being kind to yourself. Of being gentle with yourself. It seems to me that it is pretty cyclical. The nicer I am to myself, the nicer I am to myself. Like sleep begetting sleep for babies.

So that's it. I'm quitting guilt and self inflicted pressure. I'm letting it go. And as of about five minutes ago, I just quit the last of the dogs. One thing though -- Harper thinks the dogs are spending a few days with friends. That's what I'm telling her when she gets around to noticing they are gone. So don't rat me out by asking her if she misses her dogs. Lying to your kid -- that's something I'm not quitting yet. That'll keep for another day.

5 comments:

alexabryce said...

I pray for you and Harper. It feels as if she has lost enough in her young life already, now losing another two family members as well feels so wrong somehow. Like a continuous falling apart. Still, if this is what you feel needs to be done in order to steer towards a healing path.. I hope God continues to give you courage and wisdom to make the right choices for both you and Harper.

Jess said...

I know how much you have agonized and thought through this decision. You are a good mom and dog owner! You are a good person who is up against unimaginable circumstances, who made a good, healthy decision for yourself and your family. I affirm you and your decision!! No one would know how they would handle the things you are having to face unless they were up against them too. I'm glad Macy and Parsley were able to stay together. They are giod dogs and they'll be fine. You are going to keep moving forward. You are going to make it.

Kelsey said...

Oh I'm so glad the pups found a new home. I'm with Jess on this one - trust your gut, you alone know what is doable for you and Harper. As you said yourself, what Harper needs above all else is a healthy mama - so if giving the doggies a new home gets you there, you are doing the best thing for you all. You have amazing instincts and you are doing this terrible, hard, wrong thing beautifully. Keep being kind to yourself. Yourself deserves it. Love you!

Yia Yia said...

Quitter is the LAST thing I would call you. Courageous is a more appropriate word......you are making the difficult decisions. Stand by those decisions. You are doing what's best for the pups in your decision. Love you, Mol.

Kenyon Delk said...

I'm with Yia Yia - you are NO quitter, Molly! I'm sure finding a new home for your dogs was a tough decision, but taking care of YOU is what's most important right now, so that you have enough strength for Harper. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm proud of you, girlfriend, and love you lots.