Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Diary of a Quitter. Part I

Today is a DAY.  Do you know what I mean?  I woke up and was crying before I'd even gotten out of bed.  I had a hard night last night and have been struggling through the morning.  I feel the pain of loss with such freshness today.  Yesterday I read some things Matt had journaled about in the last year and a half.  The constant theme was Waverley.  He loved her so.  He missed her like I miss her.  He cried out over her and ached for her.  Now that Matt is gone I feel further from my girl.  There's no one left that raised her for those few, too-short years besides me.  No one that delighted in her like me left either.  We would always think of ourselves as her parents no matter what.  We would always love her with all of our hearts.  It felt better when it was a collective heart -- his and mine.  Now it's just mine.  Which seems insufficient.  And small.  And so very, very wrong.

When Matt was here I could still feel the four-ness of our family.  Even if we were three, that spot was there for Waverley.  Now that we are two I feel totally unraveled.  Just clinging to Harper.  We seem insufficient.  And small.  And so very, very wrong.

The other day Harper said from the backseat, "There's just two of us now. What will we do for Halloween? Who will take me trick or treating?"
"I will," I assured her.
"You can't.  Kids need you to be home to hand out candy when they ring our doorbell."
"Oh it's okay, we'll just leave a basket of candy out," I reasoned.
"I don't know if that will work, Mom.  We'll have to ask someone for help.  Maybe I can go with a friend..."

This reminded me of a few weeks ago during counseling when she said a girl in a picture looked worried.  The counselor asked Harper what the girl was worried about.  "Everything," Harper answered quickly.  The counselor then asked what Harper worried over.  "There is so much to be worried about," Harper answered quietly with sad conviction.  It's true for her.  There is so much to be worried about.  Her sister is gone.  Her daddy is gone.  I can't do all of the mommy jobs and all of the daddy jobs.  Our world has become chaotic for her.

So I have quit my part time job in order to just be home with her and try to ease Harper's sweet mind and help unburden her tender heart as much as I can.  To be more available to her.  I want to help her and provide stability in her life.  I want to help her overcome her fears and resolve her concerns.  I can't do it all.  She needs the peace of God, healing that will hopefully come with time, and comfort that comes just from her mom.  I am working on cutting out whatever I can to work towards that end.  For now that means work.  I need to take care of myself during the day so I can better care for her in the afternoon and evenings.  

This is my first week off so I'm not quite sure what it will look like.  Reading and being quiet and still for sure.  Maybe some extra sleep.  Taking walks with my neighbor-friend and having coffee with my mother in law.  Lighting candles.  Breathing.  I don't know.  I think it will be a good thing.  

I am trying to move more fully into this new normal.  I am trying to get through these DAYS.  I am trying to reconcile all that is so wrong into feeling okay.  I am busting into the emergency cookies I keep in the glove compartment in the car.  Today I had them out before I left Harper's school parking lot.  Because I'm sad, but I'm smart.  And smart girls like me know that there will be days where you need to eat a cookie right away.  That's how you know I'm going to make it.


JulieA said...

I am weeping for you now. I have no words to say, other than I want you to know that we pray for you each and every night. I don't know you personally, other than through friends here in Wichita. You are amazing.

Jami Nato said...

mmmmm. my heart aches for you and your sweet baby.
God will be your comforter like never before. i am proud of you for taking time away from work and focusing on living. i think it will be good.

praying for your family.
do you have "everyday prayers" ?
i'll send it to you.
although i don't have your address. you could email it to me if you feel inclined.

Kelsey said...

Oh Molly. Oh. I hate that Harper is carrying such worry and that you're alone in your parenting of her and your grief for Wavy and your trick-or-treating. It IS wrong. I wrote more here, but it got too long so I decided to email it to you. :) Love you.

annieglan said...

I am literally in tears. I know I don't know you, but I love you. Is that possible? But I do. I have the same feeling about our son we lost after a year and I look for him in a crowd ANY time we go out. It is the saddest and I just can't imagine losing my best friend on top of it. My prayers are with you and Harper. You will get through this and you will be victorious!

Jess said...

Oh Lord.
Oh Molly.
What horrible, awful things you two have had to live through. I am stunned. I've thought of what your days must be like and the fear that must have taken hold in Harper's heart but hearing it still takes my breath away.
But my breath is always taken away by what an amazing, strong, incredible woman you are. You are making such good choices for you and for Harper. I can just imagine the amazing things she will say about you when she is a grown woman. What an amazing, strong incredible woman she will be. Just like her mama.

Cathy G said...

Oh, Molly, how often I have wished for a magic wand that would make everything better. I would so wave it over your family right now. But since my magic wand has yet to appear, I will continue to pray and trust that God will redeem your suffering and make beauty from the ashes.
I miss seeing you, but I carry you and Harper in my heart every day.

halley said...

What a blessing that you are able to be home with Harper! I am thankful for your ability to do that. My mom's dad died when she was little, not much older than Harper. It colored her life, certainly, but she has gone on to build a good and happy life and Harper will too. You are a wonderful mother. I pray for you and Harper every single day. said...

I'm continuing to pray for you and harper. I too have emergency cookies on hand. Oreos are my choice.

Yia Yia said...

You KNOW I love you, sweet girl. You are my hero! I ache for you and with you every day. You are precious to us, and you MUST call anytime, night or day. I know that you were supposed to be in my life from the beginning of time, and I am so grateful for that. Praying, praying, praying.

Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

YOU, dear girl, are NOT a quitter! You are a fixer... a survivor... an encourager... a FABULOUS mama, but NOT a quitter! You are doing what you need to do... taking care of yourself so you can take care of your Harper. That is what survivors do! And I have a feeling that is what Matt would want you to do too.

I'm so burdened for you, but have no words that will ease your hurting heart. It must be doubly hard to know that Harper is worried and scared. But I assure you; she is resilient. And with you as her mama, she will flourish. Her little life has had some profoundly difficult experiences, but because of you and Matt, and the faith you continue to instill in her, she is building character and wisdom. She will grow to be a remarkable woman of faith and full of grace... just like her mama!

Praying for you Mol. Prayers upon prayers.


Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

Oh, and the cookie thing. I love you even more than I already did now that I know that. Might I recommend the mint flavored Oreos. They are good for a hurting spirit :)

brit said...

You are Harper are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. your situation IS so wrong but I'm praying God gives you what you need each and everyday. enjoy your time off (and your cookies!)

pam said...

This sucks, but the God I know, uses all things for good. Just so stunning where we can find ourselves. I know as we are broken and crushed by life events He alone will know how to put us back together. A bone that has been broken will be stronger, but when we hear our small children filled with such BIG Sigh...I just can not even imagine, but in the midst of the brokeness, well, its good that a cookie can fill a moment. Such a crazy time. As you are comforted you will comfort one day. But for heart is so sad for the pain I hear. Horrible things happened to me as a child and in that, I met God. He has taken the broken pieces and lifted me up. It can be okay...your lives are surrounded by prayer. You are not lost to Him. He will make a way through. He is able.

LA said...

I cannot fathom the loss of your "collective heart". You are a strong woman and that little girl of yours is pretty amazing too! You two are in my thoughts and prayers daily. And I will be adding an emergency stash of cookies to my glove box ASAP. Our lives are so very very different. But honestly I have been needing emergency cookies a lot in the last year. And I never thought of such a thing.

Vanessa said...

Stopping by today just to "check" on you. My tears well up, and my love for you and Harper runs deep. Know that we are all praying for you here!

grandmato2 said...

Molly and Harper, I am so very
sorry for the loss of your husband and daddy; I've been reading about you for 2 days and I just want you to know; you don't know me, we don't know any of the same people but I am praying for you and thinking of you. Harper I was so impressed with how well you wrote your notes to the toothfairy, you did so good! Will continue to read...out of care (not stalking!!)

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