Friday, August 31, 2012

What's In a Name?

Having grown up with the maiden name Heintzelman I was excited to take on my married name  thinking it would be an easier one, and I was excited to share a name with the man I loved.

I loved the notion of being half of a whole and of being united with Matt.

What I didn't understand at 21 when we became engaged and planned our future, was that by attaching myself to that name I had the prize waiting for me of becoming a part of an entire family.

Matt's parents Brian and Vicki took me on like I was truly theirs.  They loved me and poured into me verbally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Early on in our marriage I spent significant time with Matt's parents both with him and even on my own.  We laughed at how funny it was when I would go out to dinner with them by myself if Matt was working or had something else going.  Vicki and I spent weekends together when Brian and Matt would go on biking trips.  Over the last 12 years we have really grown to love each other deeply, Matt's family and I.

Matt has a brother.  His brother Mark is one of the very best men I know.  He is different from Matt in most every way.  Matt loved Mark so wholly and completely.  Though Mark and his amazing wife have lived in California for the last decade we became closer than I would have guessed we ever could at that distance.  Mark and Kath visited regularly and made great effort to establish a strong relationship with Harper.  As a result, I am pretty sure if Harper understood the concept of being stranded on a deserted island and could only pick one person to go with her, she would pick Mark in a heartbeat.  She only has eyes for him.  She adores this aunt and uncle and the cousins they have given her with every part of her being.

When Matt died in April his family rallied around me in a way that only family can.  There was not a distinction made that I was the daughter they were slated through marriage.  They treat me like I am their own.  On that final day at the hospital when it was time for me to go, my dear friends picked me up at the door and took me straight to Brian and Vicki's house.  I don't remember working it out.  It was just a given.  When all was done I would go home to them.

As a haven and retreat, a couple of weeks after Matt's death I went to be with Mark and Kath.  Harper and I were heartsick and being with them was the only logical first step to the remedy.  There is hope and life and healing in that relationship.  When they decided to move home to Kansas City to support us, I was completely overcome.  They uprooted their very lives to be more fully a part of ours.

Since Mark and Kath and the kids have gotten here I have been overwhelmed with gratitude.  I thought of them as being here for Brian and Vicki and for Harper.  I didn't expect that their being here would make me feel such comfort.  I didn't anticipate the dose of peace it gives me that they are just 20 minutes down the road.

Brian and Mark have worked with Harper this summer to show her how to ride a bike.  Mark came with his daughter and took Harper to school yesterday.  You would have guessed Harper had won the lottery.  A few days back I woke up and got dressed.  I walked out to the kitchen.  The dogs were barking, and I looked out the kitchen window.  Brian and Mark were hopping over my fence and coming into my backyard.  Brian was beaming and had his hand over his heart in relief.  They thought my dogs had been exposed to some mouse poison in the basement where they usually sleep at night.  We had all forgotten it was down there.  Brian had woken up in a panic thinking my dogs might have died in the night.  He was coming to check and do what needed to be done.  He was coming to rescue me.  Although right now I am wondering why they didn't just ring the doorbell.

At church a couple of weeks ago Brian and Vicki and I were sitting in one pew.  Mark and Kath and Harper and her cousins were sitting in the pew in front of us.  If you didn't know us you wouldn't have been able to figure out exactly who went with who and how we all fit together.  But you would know it was true -- that we were all there together.  We were smiling at each other over the girls' heads and patting one another occasionally.  At the end of the service they sing a closing prayer.  Everyone holds hands and moves in closer together.  We were lined up -- all close and touching.  The girls danced between us with happy hearts and glad faces.

What's in a name?  As it turns out, pretty much everything.



7 comments:

J said...

My heart still breaks for you, and I am so glad you have Matt's family to support you and Harper. It's a silly think but whenever I see an ampersand I think of you. I wish you strength, love and peace. You are so brave. I wish you didn't have to be, but know that you are. -Jeni G (Meghan and Christie's friend)

Jinny Newlin said...

You are so blessed to have that kind of relationship with Matt's family. What I wouldn't give for the same with BJ's. See. The Lord was and has been looking out for you all along. Big hugs!

Carla said...

Molly, You make my heart sing!

Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

You pretty much hit the in-law jackpot! I have always said that I would have loved Vicki as my mother-in-law! I am so grateful for the close bond and special relationship that you have with Brian and Vicki... it has been formed and developed right from the very beginning to help support and carry you now. And I can tell you, {from my own unfortunate personal experience}, how lucky you are to have such a neat and wonderful friendship with Mark and Katharine. It's like winning the double lottery! I'm so glad to hear that their move is helping YOU in more ways than you imagined! And I LOVE picturing Mark and Brian jumping over your fence... knowing their relationship is reaching new levels makes my heart happy too! And the 2 of them taking Harper to school... another heart smile :) Hang in there, Molly. You continue to "do this" thing clothed in grace and dignity. One day, friend, one day... you will be laughing without fear of the future. You will.

ColleenaMareena said...

I'm so glad you have such a wonderful relationship with your in-laws. I am blessed the same way. My relationship with my parents was pretty awful for most of my life, and is still very tenuous, but when Scott & I first started dating and I met his family, I learned what a real family was, and what I wanted for myself and my future children.

And just as a side note from one who worked as a vet tech at an animal emergency hospital for many years: rat/mouse poisons prevent the blood from clotting (in any mammal), and usually it takes several days for any signs to show up. So if there's any chance your pups got into it, even just a little bit, please take them in to the vet TODAY. :)

ColleenaMareena said...

I'm so glad you have such a wonderful relationship with your in-laws. I am blessed the same way. My relationship with my parents was pretty awful for most of my life, and is still very tenuous, but when Scott & I first started dating and I met his family, I learned what a real family was, and what I wanted for myself and my future children.

And just as a side note from one who worked as a vet tech at an animal emergency hospital for many years: rat/mouse poisons prevent the blood from clotting (in any mammal), and usually it takes several days for any signs to show up. So if there's any chance your pups got into it, even just a little bit, please take them in to the vet TODAY. :)

jb said...

Yes - you are very blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with Matt's family. I am sure it must be such comfort to you. But please remember this - they too, are very blessed to have you in their family. You are nothing short of amazing!

Janet