Thursday, August 9, 2012

thoughts

Even though I know it is normal, I continue to be surprised at the lack of rhythm to my grief.  Some days I feel alright.  Distracted always by it, but able to compartmentalize it and keep moving.  Some days I feel numb.  Some days I feel really angry.  Days like today I feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me.  I wake up to a physical ache of missing Matt and it keeps a grip on me all day.  It feels like less of something inside of me and more of it's own separate entity -- where I don't have any say in what it is going to be like; I just have to wait and see what it's going to do to me.

On days like this my heart feels like it's seizing up.  My body feels brittle.  My hair hurts, and my frown is deep.  My eyes don't want to open all of the way.  I feel 100 pounds heavier.  A sense of anxiety completely overwhelms me.  The question, "what am I going to do?" hounds me and the thought "please don't be true" knocks around inside of me.

When this is the case I try to live in it for awhile and then try to distract myself from it because I really can't go on this way.  I won't make it if I do.  So I think about things that make me happy.  Which basically means I think about my girl.  Yesterday Harper tried to teach her 3 year old cousin how to hula hoop.  Harper kept instructing with passion and enthusiasm, "Move those hips! Move those hips!" It was awesome.  Then I try to take a sip of a great drink and move my feet in a forward direction.

This is how it goes.  This is how I feel.  No point to this whatsoever.  I'm just sayin.

14 comments:

Katie said...

I can't fatham your pain. But I do know that God will sustain you. You will make it through. He loves you now and always.

Linnea said...

I am so sorry. I have kept praying for you. I cant even imagine what you are going through. I read something this morning. I was feeling really crappy dealing with something and someone told me to read this
http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

I did. Omygosh. I laughed so hard I cried. I needed to cry but couldnt until I read that. My kids thought I was nuts. I hope you dont think I am being disrespectful I am not trying to be. Sometimes I need to just laugh and get distracted.

Be blessed
Ashlee

Jessica Blake said...

your heart. your attitude. your honesty. dang.
just sayin.

Mira's mom said...

I really hate that you are going through this. That your heart is breaking. I just keep praying that God would start the redemption process, that even though there is still pain it would pale in comparison to the joy. It is coming Molly. Keep holding on, keep the faith.

Lori! said...

I wish there were words that could be said to make your hurt go away. I pray that you can feel the arms of the Lord wrapping around you from the prayers that are being lifted up for you and Harper.

Jared said...

Molly, I am praying for you and Harper and the whole Nagel family. I miss Matt as well and do hope that you feel him telling you to live, love and laugh. He would want nothing more than for your pain to go away and for you to embrace the beauty around you. Praying for you.

Kristin said...

Hi Molly -

Thanks so much for sharing your words with us during this intense time. I think it will make us, your readers, more compassionate and understanding for our grieving friends. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I'm sure the sting of losing Matt is so real in every minute of every day.

I'm hesitant to give you this link because I don't want it to seem in ANY way that I'm trying to "fix" the situation, or act like I know what might be helpful. But, I heard this talk - Grieving a Loss by Nancy Guthrie - at the gospel coalition women's conference this summer, and it was so kind, and so wise, and I just felt impressed to share it with you.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/resources/a/grieving_a_loss

Praying for you and Harper.

B In Real LIfe said...

Molly, you don't know me...but I have been following your blog for a while and have shed many tears for you.

As I was reading this post I was reminded of a book I read. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.

He wrote it after his wife died. I really more of a journal...his experience with grief. I read it after a dear friend committed suicide. It was a short, but impacting read.

Anyway...I thought of these quotes from the book when I read this post:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

and

“Grief ... gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.”

Your friend,
Brooke

Tera Oss said...

This morning I was brought to tears by the song "I still believe" by Jeremy camp. As I was listening, I was reminded that he wrote this song right after his wife passed away. Immediately you were brought to my mind and I started praying hard for you. You may not know me, but I am still hurting for your loss and praying for your strength.

"I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe"

To His faithfulness,
Tera

Pipsylou said...

I hope you got my message about this post.

I am so thankful for your honesty.

I am praying for lots of random, good surprises that take the dull ache/sharp edge off of your pain, if only for 5 seconds.

Just for reprieve.

Amanda said...

Molly - You don't know me and I don't know you (I came across your blog through a friend of a friend of a friend). I am so very sorry for your loss and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I urge you to check-out the Liz Logelin Foundation (http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/). I donate to this organization - they are truly incredible and a wonderful resource for widow/widowers with young families.

Dana Butler said...

Molly... I tried to leave you a comment the other day, but I don't think it worked...because I came back today to leave you a comment to clarify something I'd said in the first one...and there is no first one. Oops... Sorry about that. Anyway... it's Dana - I met you at the Zoo on Saturday. :) I had said, in that first comment (just in case you did read it somehow) that I was moving my blog to wordpress....and after the fact, I realized that that was actually unnecessary... so you can still find me here on blogspot: http://kcbutlersatimetolaugh.blogspot.com/

Bless you today.... Prayers and love....
Dana

jb said...

I wish I had the words to easy your pain. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be in your position. But I do know that many of us are still behind you, still praying, still grieving along with you. I cannot imagine - but I just want you to know that I am still walking this journey with you - I still want you to know I am thinking about you and Harper. I am still praying for your healing.
Janet

Jess said...

Cheering on the river banks today, my friend.