Thursday, October 3, 2013

9 months

"I" and "pregnant" in the same sentence.  After a decade of not-pregnant-ness it took a very long time to believe it.  I was one day late, and I still have no idea what possessed me to take a test at all, but sure enough there I was glancing almost passingly at that stick and freezing.  Plus sign. "Okay," A few hours later and several more tests just to be sure (did you know there is no such thing as a false positive? I didn't.  Maybe that will save you a few dollars one day), I was convinced that something was going on.  I sat in a state of shock until Jake came over that evening.  I sat him down to tell him something.  I babbled on about our relationship while he was convinced I was saying I wasn't ready for "us." Finally I said, "well the thing is... I... am... pregnant..."  If you have met Jake you know how much he has to say.  This time, he was speechless.

I was starting to feel a thrill in my heart that I hadn't experienced since we had met Wavy almost five years earlier.  A hope was rising up in me that I was so scared of.  Could it be?  No.  I kept telling myself.  I told my parents quietly.  I told seven friends and two sisters.  No one else.  I was convinced every day I would miscarry.  The midwife I went to see told me kindly but cautiously that as I had never been pregnant before we would have to see how this went.  She wasn't predicting a miscarriage, but she was not predicting a healthy baby down the road either.

As the weeks went by I started to believe that this was happening.  As bizarre as it was.  A baby? Inside of me? My fears that the pregnancy wouldn't last started to abate.  Not to worry.  I like to keep my fear level high, so I got some new ones to replace the initial ones:
That the baby would be still born.
That the baby would be unhealthy.
That Harper would one day resent this baby.
That people would think I had grown dissatisfied with adoption.
These thoughts hounded me.

Additionally, I have been of the mindset for quite some years that pregnancy is overrated.  That pregnancy is glorified.  That people obsess with the fact that they are carrying a baby instead of focusing on the baby itself.  I one time wrote a blog post about reasons I was happy to avoid pregnancy all together.  Now I was going to know all of the downsides of pregnancy first-hand.  I have to tell you, I was not altogether wrong with my original position.  The way babies are born is a miracle.  I do not have to experience it myself to understand that.  I contend that is still true.   It is wonderful to feel a tiny babe moving around inside of you.  There are a few things I could have done without.

The 9 months held sleepless nights that no amount of pillows between my knees would help. Joints in my feet spread so that every step I took was miserable.  My skin was painfully tight around my swollen feet and ankles.  I gained weight in every conceivable spot including my rear end and my arm pits.  That's right.  I have fat arm pits.  And that is just the front end! Recovering from a delivery that got rough at the end was harder than I expected.  The thrill of my huge chest was pretty short lived.  I was left with only regret over a failed breast feeding attempt and a low riding bosom.  A formerly flat stomach now jiggles like a bowl full of jelly.  A closet full of clothes I liked well enough mock me when I go to put on my several sizes larger pants.  The shirts fit okay mind you.  I recommend gaining weight in the top half to balance out the bottom half if you want to avoid looking like a light bulb.  It's not glamorous.  Not one bit.  

As I got used to the idea of having a baby my thoughts got darker.  Most of me was elated.  Some of me was scared.  I had lost two of the three people I loved the most.  Now that I had Harper AND Jake AND a baby it seemed there was too much on the line.  That surely I wouldn't be able to keep all of this.  That something was bound to happen to someone in my family.  That it was imminent.  I also worried about mothering another person when I felt like I was barely capable of taking good care of Harper.  And how could a poor baby take on the weight of being the kid that comes after the child its mother lost? I tried every day to let it go.  We learned that we were having a boy.  I was freaked out.  I don't know anything about boys! I'm indoorsy and bookish.  I don't understand football.

Despite my panic the happiness rising up in me felt unstoppable.  A hot air balloon and me in the basket.  I heard this song on the radio by Matt Hammitt.  I would sing it quietly to the baby when I was feeling especially unsettled and it would calm me.  If you want to read the lyrics, here they are.  If you want to listen to the song click here.  I was trying to hard to think of these words, and when I heard them I was excited to be able to articulate my thoughts.  This little one was worth all of me.  Remembering that helped me put myself in my place.  And then of course I met him.  And I didn't need reminding any more. I just know it to be true.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me 
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you


Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Chorus (X2)

It's where I'll start


Kelsey said...

More! More!

annieglan said...

I'm with Kelsey! I am so happy you are writing and filling us in. And I am SOOO EXCITED for your baby BOY!

Linnea said...

So beautiful! I love that you are blogging again. I think of you and your family often.
Be blessed

Unknown said...

Wow, wow, wow! I have continued to check your blog hoping to see an update. What an amazing blessing!

Ingrid said...

dearest molly, i'm not even kidding when i say that yesterday i was walking through the autumn forest, my thoughts on you. "i bet she's pregnant" was one of the first things that popped in my brain. holy smokes. CONGRATULATIONS. xoxo, courtney

Anonymous said...

Yay!!!! You're back! I'm reading this at 3am with a sleeping baby on my chest. I want more! Congratulations from the bottom of my heart!!

Anonymous said...

Molly, I do not know you, rather you are a friend of a friend. I have followed your story for the past 18 months and find your story to be such a beautiful picture of mourning turned to dancing. Your writing and honesty are completely amazing! Blessings on you and your family!