Thursday, October 24, 2013

expensive earrings

There is a place in Colorado where Matt's family has a cabin.  We went there for the first time the week we got engaged.  We honeymooned in this beautiful little town.  We went there in summer and winter.  We celebrated Wavy's first Christmas there.  Harper took her first steps and celebrated her first birthday in that house.  We threw things in the car and drove straight there when we lost Waverley, grieving and looking for a little bit of peace.

I had purposefully not gone there since Matt died.  I just couldn't face it.

A few weeks ago I gave into the stirrings that it was time to come to back to this spot, and I planned a trip with Matt's mom.  Jake encouraged and supported me in going.  I wanted so badly for Harper to see me face something hard for me.  Of course, we did not talk about all of that.  We just talked about her first dad.  How much we loved being there with him. How much we miss him.  She can't know how scary it was for me.  But maybe when she is old she will think of me as brave.  Unwilling to limit my family by backing away from potentially feeling pain.

I want people to say of me, "there goes a woman of strength." It seems as though strength is a form of art.  Right now I am in the early stages.  The finger painting and learning to cut stages. I want to develop the kind of strength that you consider over wine and pricey cheeses.  I'm working on it.

So we went.  Last week, Matt's mom, Harper, and Everett and I got in my Jeep and headed for the mountains.  We took the essential items we would need.  A fun part of traveling with women and children and no men is what we considered to be our essentials.  A sheepskin for Everett to sleep on.  A sewing machine and more fabric than clothes to wear.  Chocolate and gummy bears.  Nancy Drew books and Wild Kratt DVDs for the baby woman.

I was scared but determined.  And do you know what?  It was beautiful.  I felt a happy connection to Matt.  I felt celebratory of the dozen years I had with him.  I felt thankful for the daughters we enjoyed together.  I missed him with a fresh and deep grief, but it was a happy kind of sad. Every view from every window of the cabin and from the top of every hill reminded me of Matt. Every piece of furniture holds a vision of him resting or reading or playing cards or cooking dinner.  This was Matt's favorite place.  He was happiest when he was there.

In Joshua 4 Joshua leads the Israelites across the Jordan river.  When they get to the other side he has 12 men, one per tribe, each take a stone and set them in a certain place to stand as a memorial.  In that way, when their children asked what the stones were for the grown ups would tell them about that monumental day and they would remember it forever.

I very much like the idea of this.  Sometimes you need a marker.  A stack of rocks to look at and remember what miracles God has given you.  A pile of stones to remember that God has taken my broken life and given me one that is whole.  I will grieve Matt and Waverley every day of my life.  I will also praise the Lord for blessing me so dearly with Jake.  Everett.  The constant gift of Harper. Hope for a future.  Rocks for loss and pain and people lost to me.  Rocks for healing.  For His unfailing love.  I wanted a pile of stones from this trip where the past and the present were all mixed up into one.  I say I'd rather remember with jewelry.

So in our favorite place, North Moon Gallery, I picked the loveliest pair of earrings.  Ones that made me happy.  Ones that I would feel the weight of when I wore them.  Ones that I could wear when I was sad or happy and remember all of these important things.  Ones that I could someday give to Harper and tell her why they mean so much to me.  Ones that I could celebrate both of her fathers while I wear them.  My past and my future.  Those are the kinds of rocks I can get behind.

wearing my pile of stones


Kelsey said...

Wearable stones. I love it.

P.S. You're pretty.

Mira's mom said...

You are a beautiful strong woman. On the inside and the outside. I pray for your family from time to time when God brings each of you to mind. I think of Waverley at the most random times and I send up a little prayer for her. Love to you all

Jami Nato said...

made me cry. glad you went and faced it. fears have power over us when we don't look at them, and touch them and say, what can you do to me anymore. and sometimes when you're doing that it turns out that it's not ugly, but beautiful. i love that you got that moment. it's so good. the weakness transforming into strength. death making way for life. good good good. love to you.

Nella said...

When I look at you I see one hell of a strong, amazing woman. I think you are an inspiration to others. Keep going forward! :)

God Bless you,

the mom~ said...

You are beautiful! I was so very happy to see you have updated your blog after almost a year. I am so very happy for all your blessings. You inspire me!

halley said...

I think you are amazing!

brit said...

lovely. the trip, the earrings, all of it, so absolutely lovely.

and for what it's worth, a woman of strength is exactly the words I would use to describe you.

Christie said...

Oh Molly..I haven't even checked your blog in a long time but I just thought to check today and I am so so happy for you. I sat at my computer and sobbed as I read every post. You are exactly what I think of when I think of a woman of strength. Enjoy that sweet baby and his smells and cuddles. God is so good and his plan is so so sweet. Much love to you!!

Christie said...

Oh Molly! I am so so happy for you. I had not checked your blog in awhile and I just sat here and sobbed through every post. You are exactly what I think of when I think of a person of strength. Enjoy that sweet baby and his smells and his cuddles. God is so good and his plan is so so sweet. Much love to you, Christie

Sarah said...

I just love you. I love everything about you. When I face trials or have a friend struggling I share your story.
You are proof of a mighty God who sees the big picture. You lady are still being used.
I was thrilled when I heard of your pregnancy & cried (right at the neighborhood pool) when I learned the meaning behind Everett's name.
Please continue to write ;). I love every word you type.
You inspire me! Sarah

Anonymous said...

you are an inspiration to be strong. thank you.

Kimberly said...

Molly you are doing it again! You are ministering to me through your life and your writing! I had no idea you were back. I have missed you. I am all caught up now. The puffy eyes will be gone by tomorrow and then I will be ready for more! Thanks for sharing your life with us.

Tina Coppenbarger said...

For all that is true and right and lovely in this world, your story begs to be written in a book. One, because it is such an amazing story. Amazingly painful and beautiful and everything in between. And reason two is because you are such an amazing writer. Seriously. Thank you so much for sharing your story.