Wednesday, October 26, 2011

this time last year

A year ago this weekend marks the one year anniversary of finding out we lost our battle to be Waverley's parents.  I don't know about you, but I really struggle with significant dates.  They really affect me.  The two things I hate most about this specific date are that I find myself reliving finding out that we lost over and over again, and that I am out of "safe memories."  Because of court appearances and the messiness of it all we actually had custody of Waverley through January.  I can say quite sincerely, though, that I haven't known peace since that day, and even though we still had her with us, we suffered with complete agony that could not be alleviated.  All of the memories of the rest of the things that happened before we lost her feel like rocks in my heart and stomach.  There were no more happy times.

A year ago on Friday Matt came home from work at 10 in the morning.  I looked up surprised when the kitchen door slammed and Harper said, "Daddy is home." I called out, "Matt?" and walked into the kitchen.  I don't know how I didn't know.  But I had no idea.  He was crying me and hugging me and saying, "I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry. We lost.  We lost her, Mol."  I just stood there.  Frozen.

Everything I see -- pumpkins and halloween decorations, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, sweaters, coats, chili, winter jammies, cold and rosy cheeks, fires in the fire place, all of it makes me feel an ugly sense of misery that is hard to shake.  I feel like a lot of the time (not quite most of it, but a lot of it) I can be sad without being angry or bitter.  Lately though I feel angry and sour inside.  I should have been able to keep my little girl.  I should have been able to.


Kelsey said...

So sorry, Molly. I agree. You SHOULD have been able to. It still makes me angry, too. Praying that the Lord meets you in your anger and grief and that he would protect your heart and mind with his peace that passes all understanding. Love you guys so much!

Jessica Blake said...

burning eyes. a lump in my throat.
you're so right. You should have been able to keep your little girl.
I'm so sorry that this time of thankfulness, joy, the story of a world getting a Savior, brings grief and sadness to your home.
I'm praying against that today. and tomorrow. and this season. I'm praying that Jesus would save you from these things. That he would rescue your heart and bring you into a place of peace.
If not this year, maybe the next.
If not the next, maybe the next.
I KNOW He will redeem this season.
It's what He does.
He redeems.
Jon Shirley spoke at the Gathering this last sunday and i'm praying over you the things of truth that he brought...
The story isn't over. Jesus is LORD. He showers goodness on those who love Him. He is alive, and bring to life the dead things in us, and He's coming back. He will make all wrong things right.

Totschies said...

Have also been thinking those words for and over and with you guys this past year - that He redeems. Can't type much more cause I tear up every time I do.
Matt and Kathleen Totsch

Katy said...

Molly, praying for your new little miracle soon so you can have happy thoughts for the holidays instead of sad ones. Yes, I was praying for you and Waverly last year too!

Wish I could get your email, so I can tell you something about myself and losing my mom on November 13, 1987 when I was 13 yrs old.

Jami Nato said...

i remember this thing happening to me. nato had his affair in the winter...over thanksgiving and winter. so that next season, the cold air slapped me in the face and the whole next couple of months we reliving misery.

BUT. the good thing is that the next christmas was better. much better.
so i don't know if it gives you hope by saying, it's a process that takes years. but time is your friend.

brit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brit said...

I just want to echo what kelsey and jessica said above. I am praying that jesus would redeem this season for you and your family, meet you in your grief and gives you a peace that just doesn't make sense considering your circumstances.

Pipsylou said...

It sucks. It just does.