June is kicking my ever loving ass.
I have been dreading June since last June. Dates are hard for me and I knew I would have a hard time making it through this month. When I lost Matt two other dates got added to the June calendar that I had to get through. So I knew it was coming. And I was right. It is a beat down of the worst kind. I am using every last bit of energy just to get through each day.
People say kindly to me, "do whatever you need to do; be however you need to do." I say, "thank you."
This breaks down somewhere though. Good sentiment, but what if what I really want to do is hide under the covers and cry and watch tv and drink bloody marys? That is not really a possibility. I have a daughter. I have to work sometimes. I have laundry that I don't actually do but I spend a lot of time thinking about. It doesn't really seem like a viable option to do whatever feels best. So I am just plodding and stumbling through.
So here is my plan for the next seven days. I'll use a boxing analogy because the best analogies are the ones where you have no idea what you are actually talking about. I've been fighting this match for a little while now. I'm really tired and I've been getting pretty banged up. And these last few punches have got me down on the ground. It doesn't look great for me. It's not good at all. I'm just laying here dazed and blinking and still. But before it's too late I'm going to get up. I'm going to stand up, look June dead in the eyes, and throw a knock out punch. And it'll be great. Just wait and see.
My knock out punch will probably look like making a real trip to the grocery store, or folding the basket of laundry that has been sitting in the living room for two weeks. I am going stand up and get things done, even though it just means washing my hair two days in a row, playing Barbies, finishing something I start without wandering away, or not losing important things I need for a meeting. I might be too worn out to put my hands up in the air. I'll just close my eyes and smile. But it's coming. I'm going to do it. I'm getting back up.
First I just need to lay here a little bit longer.
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12 comments:
You will do it just fine. It may not be next year or the following. But you will certainly get to kick the snot out of June.
you're such a badass boxer.
when you do throw the knock out punch...bite an ear off while your at it. You might as well.
This post reminded me on an email I had started for you at the end of May and forgot to send. I'm sending it to you now. And if you need it, I'll come and pump "I'm Every Woman" through your house while you put your newly folded laundry away or follow you through the grocery store singing it. I mean, it could help, right? You can do it!
I've wanted to kick June's ass all month FOR you!
Let me know when you want me to bring you that Bloody Mary, cuz I'm all over that!
Imagine thousands of blog readers chanting and cheering you on as you get ready to make that final punch! Go for it!
praying for you and the quick coming of July!
When you do get up and go to make that knock out punch, make sure you hit it HARD! No punching like a girl! :) Praying hard for you for strength, comfort and peace.
When you do get up to make that knock out punch, do it HARD. No girly punches needed. :)
Fervently praying for strength and comfort for you.
When it comes to fighting June, you don't have to fight fair. If it looks like you might lose your boxing match, switch over to Pro-wrestling and have a crowd of your friends jump into the ring at the last second to help you win the fight.
You do not know me, but in a strange way, I feel like I know you...just a tiny bit. From reading your blog that was shown to me by a co-worker. I am in awe of your story and your strength. The Lord is watching over, I can see it in your words (that you write so well, btw). My husband & I continue to pray for you. And I am right behind you, rooting for you to kick June where it hurts!
You go, girl! Give 'em a punch for me, too. Praying for you and loving you so, so much. XO
I too am grieving the loss of my best friend and mother. I have never grieved in this manner before. That walking away from something that you are doing is so me. Its like my mind is gone. I too can feel peoples prayers for the first time in my life. I actually FEEL them. You really are my hero! But listen to your body for a little bit...ever cell is healing:)
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