June is kicking my ever loving ass.
I have been dreading June since last June. Dates are hard for me and I knew I would have a hard time making it through this month. When I lost Matt two other dates got added to the June calendar that I had to get through. So I knew it was coming. And I was right. It is a beat down of the worst kind. I am using every last bit of energy just to get through each day.
People say kindly to me, "do whatever you need to do; be however you need to do." I say, "thank you."
This breaks down somewhere though. Good sentiment, but what if what I really want to do is hide under the covers and cry and watch tv and drink bloody marys? That is not really a possibility. I have a daughter. I have to work sometimes. I have laundry that I don't actually do but I spend a lot of time thinking about. It doesn't really seem like a viable option to do whatever feels best. So I am just plodding and stumbling through.
So here is my plan for the next seven days. I'll use a boxing analogy because the best analogies are the ones where you have no idea what you are actually talking about. I've been fighting this match for a little while now. I'm really tired and I've been getting pretty banged up. And these last few punches have got me down on the ground. It doesn't look great for me. It's not good at all. I'm just laying here dazed and blinking and still. But before it's too late I'm going to get up. I'm going to stand up, look June dead in the eyes, and throw a knock out punch. And it'll be great. Just wait and see.
My knock out punch will probably look like making a real trip to the grocery store, or folding the basket of laundry that has been sitting in the living room for two weeks. I am going stand up and get things done, even though it just means washing my hair two days in a row, playing Barbies, finishing something I start without wandering away, or not losing important things I need for a meeting. I might be too worn out to put my hands up in the air. I'll just close my eyes and smile. But it's coming. I'm going to do it. I'm getting back up.
First I just need to lay here a little bit longer.