Tuesday, September 13, 2011

That's Right. I'm Going There.

A Word on Pregnancy vs Adopting -- Alternately Subtitled, Why Adoption is 100% Amazing.

After a few heavy posts I wanted to write about something that to me feels a bit lighter.  Please know going into it (because it's tricky isn't it?  Knowing the tone of someone's words when they're all bald and matter of fact in front of you.  Uhm, I meant the words were bald and not the writer.) that the tone of this is VERY light.  And while I'm talking about something that is a very tender subject to some, please notice that this is not about infertility.  It's not me saying: get over it.  This is me specifically saying there are some parts of pregnancy that I feel pretty great about missing out on.

I am sure it is a beautiful thing to grow a baby inside of you.  I am also sure you do not have to be the one growing it to appreciate the miracle of babies.  I realize I am in the minority of women that haven't gotten pregnant that did not grieve over it.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about what it is like to not experience pregnancy.  I just want to say a few words to those who cannot or choose not to experience pregnancy themselves.

I don't think that beloved childrens' fathers, siblings, or grandparents feel like they have a diminished love for a child because it did not grow inside of them.  Yes, I agree that a mother loves a child differently than these other people do.  (Not better, just differently.)  However, a biological connection is not necessary to experience that exact kind of love.

I am going to list, in my own opinion, some of the benefits that you receive as an adoptive parent.  I am not saying that I made a decision to adopt based on these benefits.  Nor am I suggesting that you do.  I am simply saying, you might as well embrace some of the perks.  Am I right?  Caution: some words I am about to use are not for the faint of heart, some men, or young girls.  I know I have a huge following of grade school aged girls.  Me and Justin Bieber.

Things you can happily skip when you lovingly adopt a child:
*ALL OF THE UNPLEASANT PARTS OF PREGNANCY!  And to be sure, there are MANY.  I know there are a million pictures of people lovingly looking at the pregnant bellies.  What no one's snapping up pictures of are nausea, constipation, heart burn, fatigue, swollen and crazy looking ankles, stretch marks, sleeplessness, the weird waddle, general discomfort, and weight gain in less desirable places than that cute tummy.  Sure, a lot of people want a chance to get some of those cute Liz Lange maternity clothes, but let's face it.  It's not all eating ice cream at midnight and warm smiles from the elderly.
*LABOR AND DELIVERY!  I mean come on!  I don't even need to say more.  But I always do.  So let's list: paper gowns pulled up to your midsection while a group of people are heavily involved in your business, epidurals (that's a shot in the spine, guys!) or the pain of natural child birth, epidurals gone wrong, guilt over taking pain meds, waiting too long and then not getting pain meds, episiotomies (!!!!!!!!!!), stitches in horrible places, c-sections, hearing everyone who has ever given birth's horror-laced delivery stories, lactation specialists, whew I will stop there.
*THE AFTERMATH.  People who just went through the above are tired and sore when settling into life with a new baby.  Not to mention losing baby weight.  What if you could just settle in with that new baby feeling fresh and fit?  Hey, you can.  That's my point.

Things you can rejoice in when you lovingly adopt a child:
*A FRESH START!  If Matt and I had biological children they would be horrible at math and alarmingly hairy.  My body has a lot of ailments that confuse medical professionals and make me feel like an old lady, and Matt is grumpy for hours after he gets out of bed.  Yeah, we've got a lot of bad stuff between us.  People sometimes say, "Oh I just want someone who looks just like us running around." Or, "I just want to see what a child that my husband and I create together would look like..."  In my heart I say, "What's so great about you?"  This sounds really harsh.  I'm simply saying, you are just two people.  In the grand scheme of my life I don't know many people that have such model-quality good looks that the world would miss out on their biological creation.  I do know that Matt and I were startled when Harper showed an aptitude towards math.  Matt and I are dangerous when we're alone with numbers.  Not our girl; she's amazing.  In fact, she's good at a lot of things that we aren't.  And she's good at a lot of things that we ARE.  Because we taught her.  Maximize the best of nature and nurture?  Count me in!
*WE HAVE A GOD THAT SETS ALL THINGS RIGHT.  I don't think I'm entitled to see it in all times and circumstances in my life.  But that is a true statement.  I'm saying it again.  We have a God that will set all things right.  I am a mom who needs a child.  Matt is a dad who needs a child.  Harper is a precious girl that needs a sibling.  We are going to get together with a child that needs a family.  How beautiful is that going to be?  Please stay tuned and watch it happen.  Man, I love my family.  And man, I love that it is formed through adoption.  This is the good stuff.


**I would just like to add one more note stating that I think a child in a family that loves her is a gorgeous thing no matter how it happens.  The purpose of this post is NOT to negate the beauty of a family formed biologically.  The purpose IS to promote the mindset that adoption is an awesome plan A and an incredible way to unite people as a family.  Peace.**


The Bells said...

I LOVE this post!! :)

The Pineapple Pirate! said...

This was such a great post! I've been praying for you guys even though I don't know you personally. :D - Ren - :D

Carrie said...

Love this post Molly and whole heartly agree. People always asume we just can't get pregnant, which may or may not be true, but we just knew God has always wanted us to adopt. We are working on adoption # 3 and I have to say I am pretty addicted to adopting and totally do not mourn not being prego at all. Love that you are writing again! Can't wait to see the blessings the Lord has in store for you and your family!

Linnea said...

I agree to lovely post. Fun too! LoL'd when you said your child would be hairy and bad at math haha! People always assume I was infertile and that is why we chose adoption. Truth was we were, but we have 4 biological girls(honeymoon,clomid,clomid and WTH???!!!) . I chose to get sterilized after number 4 for the sole purpose of being able to adopt. I knew had I been blessed with anymore biological kids we may never follow God's plan and our hearts to adopt. Number 5 is awesome! Adoption is Awesome! Can't wait for number 6.

Be blessed


Pipsylou said...

This is Dan Swanson's sister. Can I just say, this post was a total Godsend? I lost my uterus 8 weeks ago during a very traumatic birth (you probably heard about it) and I've been oddly grieving no more "bio" children.

Al just sent me your blog again and boy, did I need this.

I want to email you privately because we are possibly going into a situation that sounds a tad bit like your situation with Wavy, in some ways.

Thank you for sharing your heart, Molly!!!!!!!

Pipsylou said...

I am still laughing...our babies were born without butt-holes and twice as many private parts as they needed, and I miscarried 4 times and almost died twice...

don't you wish you'd gotten to experience all that? ;)

Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

Love it Molly! And you are more than right about the awfulness of pregnancy... I feel too "guilty" to admit it often, but I really loathe being pregnant for all the reasons you so humorously listed! You forgot to add the dreaded state that pregnancy hormones put you into... a grouchy, emotional, irrational state... ALL.THE.TIME :) I should know, I'm living it (and much to their dismay, so are the people around me!).

Looking forward to seeing your story continue to unfold by a God who makes all things right!


Kelsey said...

hysterical! my pregnancy was NOT fun, I did NOT love breastfeeding (a fact I felt totally guilty about), and I had a really hard time losing the pregnancy weight (I was one of those weird mamas for whom nursing kept the weight on rather than helped in losing it). Weirdly, I did enjoy the labor/delivery experience, though. I've often said that, although we aren't adopting BECAUSE I had a hard pregnancy, it is definitely a nice perk to not have to go through that again!

jensen said...

Thank you, Molly - adoption is not "plan B" - it is a wonderful, beautiful and legitimate "plan A" and if more people saw it that way, we'd have a lot fewer babies without families, both domestically and internationally. (I have no kids...nor a husband, for that matter, just plans to adopt in the future.)

I've followed your blog for a while and I am just blown away by your commitment to adoption, your amazing faith, and your amazing family. We rejoice with you if you're heading down the adoption path again!

Jessica Blake said...

LOVE. I laughed out loud more than just twice...you capture the truth of pregnancy very well. (i have yet to experience it, or even decide if i want to) however, i've watched other people experience it just as you described. HIL-AR-IOUS. love this post. love adoption. love your family. keep writing. we're reading. :)

marymuses said...

This is a fantastic post! I had to laugh when you talked about the child you and your husband would have had if you'd gone the bio route. My husband and I are always telling people that we decided to adopt because the results of us pursuing pregnancy would be pretty iffy, whereas adoption brought us a tiny supermodel who has an amazing sense of humor. It's funny how many people try to reassure us that really, a biological child made from our DNA would be great! Which makes it even funnier...

We chose adoption as our Plan A after an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. Having that made me realize that I really didn't care about becoming pregnant, but I was certain that I wanted to adopt. We are just starting the process to adopt a second child, and we couldn't be happier. So glad we are not alone in thinking that adoption is awesome, and not just a last resort for couples experiencing infertility.

Tasha said...

You are not alone! I too feel this way! I love that I was blessed enough to be able to adopt our son and that we will hopefully be able to adopt another child in the near future! I also had no longing to be pregnant and did not grieve that I did not get to carry a child biologically. My husband and i always say our son is a much nicer person than any biological child of ours would have ever been! I am happy to be able to have a unique child who will continue to surprise us with all of his genetically unique talents! For me adoption is our first plan and it will always be my first choice. Great post!

Katy said...

Molly, it is just wonderful reading about your faith and that you haven't gave up all together on Adoption. If I had a more supportive husband in the deal, I would definetly consider adoption just because you were right on when you said there are children out there that need a loving family! You Rock!

Anonymous said...

Molly I don't know you, but I just want to tell you how much this post made me smile :D <-- bigger than that! Anyhoo, my husband and I do have a biological daughter, and while we would like more biological children, we have also always wanted to adopt, for many of the reasons you listed. Thank you for this post. It made me think about and love the idea of adoption even more. And it made me snort laugh too, which is always a plus :) We don't know when/how we'll adopt, we just know we want to, and God will let us know when the time is right. For us adoption and having biological children are all part of our Plan A. Thanks again for such a great post!

Amy and Rob said...

I KNOW that my husband and I could not have produced a child as cute, and just plain awesome, as the child God had planned for us. I can't wait to see what he has planned for both of us in our next adoptions.

I have never grieved my inability to get pregnant...I care so little that I don't even know the medical why behind it. I tell people...I grew up on a ranch. I've been on the back end of one too many cows who were in terrible trouble while calving. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS DOWN THERE! My doctor was, of course, horrified when I said that to her...because "they don't use chains to pull humans". Yeah right, whatever! HA!!

Love you girl. Love your writing. Love how in-sync our hearts are on this matter (and many more). Want to see you more! Hugs!

Stef Ryan said...

I just found your blog and LOVE this post. We have a family formed through (foster) adoption and can't imagine having a family any other way. Thank you for putting this out there- I couldn't agree more.