Sunday, September 25, 2011

A Pep Talk (for myself)

Life is full of choices.  Life is also about more than just my own happiness.  Lately I have felt so down.  Just really in the pits.  "Down in the dunks" as Harper would say.  I didn't really feel like doing much this weekend.  I haven't really felt like doing much this whole month actually.  It used to be that I would have a few days where I felt pretty okay and then a few days where I felt like I was moving underwater.  Just feeling sad and pitiful.  Now the stretches are longer.  Which is great when I am doing okay, but feels awful when I'm in the down swing.  

Whether I feel like a million bucks or not, certain facts remain.  I am a mom.  I am a wife.  I am employed.  I own a home.  I have friends.  I value being dressed in public places.  So  I have some choices to make each day.  I can choose to wallow.  And I do choose that sometimes.  I can also choose to do things even when I don't feel like it.  Wherever you are and whatever is going on, you can still put one foot in front of the other and just take the day as it comes.  I will now commence to celebrate today's mundane victories.  Quite frankly, I could use the reminder that even though I feel like I am a worthless contribution to my family and society at large when I am in these deep funks, I am hanging in there.

Exhibit A.  Today  I did laundry.  "So what?" one might ask.  So, today when Harper was getting out of the tub and said she needed a towel, the choice was for me to have her dry off with a wash cloth or use the towel Matt and I had been sharing for a couple of days.  No clean linens at all, people.  Now, although  laundry is all over my living room leaving no one a place to sit, we will all have on underwear tomorrow. VICTORY.

Exhibit B.  Today I put away the dishes.  Why is this worth mention?  Because I did it before I had an entire load of more dirty dishes in the sink waiting to be cycled in.  Haha!  It tastes so sweet (the VICTORY).

Exhibit C.  My family and I went on a walk.  We took a scooter.  And a dog.  My dog at one point laid on her back in the middle of the street when she was running from us and a dog that had gotten out of the yard.  And yet!  It was nice out, and we went outside.  It didn't go particularly well.  That's okay.  It still counts.  VICTORY.

Exhibit D.  My sheets were grossing me out.  What did I do about it?  Washed them.  That's just the kind of lady I am today.  There might not be new ones on yet.  Matt and I might are currently waiting for the other one to cave first and call it a night so that the weak one will be forced into putting clean sheets on.  (Did you wonder why this post was going on and on?)  I say to you, "VICTORY."

Exhibit E.  I felt melancholy and miserable this morning.  I usually forget things in this state.  Nope.  Not THIS morning.  I let my friends' dog out and gave him some breakfast.  Just like my neighbors asked me to.  Not need to feel guilty for leaving The Dude in his house hungry and with a full bladder... VICTORY.

Exhibit F. I wanted to lay around all day.  I sure did do that some.  But I also colored with Harper in the book she is making.  It was my job to make the plants, bananas, and bedding on the three little pigs beds.  And I totally nailed it.  I do want to be a fun mom even though I'm sad a lot.  The following pictures documenting the times I am fun will conclude this list.  Oh also, I just made this list.  

 Sweet Lady at the park.
 I love to do Harper's hair.  She doesn't always love the process, but she  is pleased when it is over and she feels cute.  It's our thing.  We watch Wild Kratts and have snacks.
This is not a tent.  It's a princess/ninja fort that includes a garden. 
 This is the princess/ninja in a hand-me-down recital outfit that she is obsessed with.  She is standing on the edge of the lake near the fort.  Ready to dance and defend.

It isn't always pretty.  Fine.  It never is.  I don't do these stupid little things full of glee and kicking my heels together.  I mutter under my breath.  I might reward myself with a million episodes of Modern Family (Phil is too funny, right?!) for every one load of laundry I do.  I sigh a whole, whole lot.  I cry to Matt as I'm putting the damn dishes away.  I hardly ever wash my face or do a single thing that I don't absolutely need to.  I just do the stuff I have to do.  It is what it is.

So here is the thing.  Sometimes I just need to give myself a pep talk.  Today, I happened to feel the need to do it on the internet.  I am heartsick and miss my baby.  I can't breathe sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the freshness and rawness of my sadness.  A lot of the time though, that happens when I'm laying in bed snuggling with the two other people in my family that ARE STILL HERE.  Today when laying around watching football together, Harper said, "I wish Wavy was here."  It's in the middle of the happy times that we miss her the most poignantly.  For the sake of those two people I'm with that I love with all my heart, I have to say, "me too, Harps."  Then I snuggle some more, and change out the laundry.


E and K said...

Thanks, yet again, for sharing your heart. Good job on all of your victories although I especially appreciated Exhibit E :) The dude appreciates the shout out on the blog! Praying for many victories today.

Kelsey said...

1. You make me laugh.
2. You make me cry.
3. You HAVE to teach me how to "do" hair when we finally get to bring our baby home
4. Harper has such an awesome Mommy
5. You are brave and victorious.
6. We love you!

Jami Nato said...

well i think that you are awesome and funny. i leave the laundry in the basement and we scrounge around until my inlaws come over and kindly do it for me. MOM FAIL, i say to you. so feel proud.

also, i mean, i think you should write more when you're in the "dunks". it's good for you.

Pipsylou said...

Man, I adore your writing.

Al told me the story about you sighing and telling Harper it's hard being a woman, and her "Mmmmmmmm-hmmmm" response! Ha!

Sometimes the best you can do is just to show up. A friend said this to me when I was fresh off of my 4th miscarriage. Going through the motions. Raw. Horribly raw.

"Just show up, Rach. You don't even have to smile. Just show up."

And it's enough.

Pipsylou said...

...and we all know that miscarriages are nothing compared to what you have been through, so I'm not starting the pain Olympics. my whole point in writing that was that you are right...some days you just "do it" and it's ok.

I'm so glad you realize that.

Tom and Leah said...

The sighs are what get you through. It's those deep, inside of your soul breaths that seem to make a difference. Or at least help you hold it together for a minute.

You've put to words the challenge of losing a child, the ridiculousness of it all. Somehow each day is followed by another. And that means clean clothes and walks outside.

You are a beautiful woman.