Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Hope this Christmas

As we have been gearing up for Christmas these last few weeks I have been feeling all of the emotions that I experienced last year at this time -- a bleakness at celebrating a joyous holiday when I feel so personally fatigued by   the legal battle on our hands, a desire to make things particularly special or meaningful as a way to control things when I feel out of control, the heaviness in my heart as I worry this could be the last Christmas we have with our family in tact, the extreme joy of being the mom to these two amazing and wonderful little people, and feeling wildly joyful that our family is exactly as it should be.  

I have been kind of reflecting on all of these emotions and trying to give myself grace and take each day as it comes.  The other day I was thinking about love inside of marriage and I was struck by something that felt enormously helpful to me. I firmly believe that love is so much more than just an emotion but is rather a real choice that we have. And while it is certainly often a feeling or emotion, love is a constant series of decisions we make and a commitment that we make to our husbands or wives.  Matt and I have a wonderful relationship. I love him immensely more today than I did the seven and a half years ago that we got married, but we really know how to make each other crazy. I am eternally grateful to Matt that he isn't only in it for the times that I delight and amaze him! Thankfully he gives me the gift of his love even when I am shouting at him or wearing the pajamas that he hates and always wants me to get rid of or when I am singing way off key to the radio in the car.  Somewhere in the middle of thinking through all of that I realized that hope is a decision too.  

I have been feeling really hopeless lately.  I just feel physically weighted down by my own despair.  That sounds so terribly dramatic! But man, the last couple of weeks have just been unbearable for me.  I just couldn't get out from under my fear, and it was really overwhelming me.  So when it occurred to me that hope might not just be a feeling that I could only wish to possess, it really propelled me into a better place.  Because if it is a choice, I get some say in it.  I might not feel full of hope, but I can decide that it's for me.  So if I can look at Matt who is currently missing a front tooth (that's a whole different story!) and crunches his ice even though I have asked him for seven years to stop it, and decide to love him in that moment anyway, I can certainly grab onto the hope that my daughter will be with us forever and feel comforted by that.

As we celebrate the birth of Jesus over these next couple of days, I am reminding myself that we are talking about the God of the universe who sent His Only Son to be born to an unwed virgin in a barn. He has beautiful and miraculous plans. His ways are mysterious. And I choose to put all of my hope in Him.  

We are joyfully wishing you a Christmas filled with this great hope.

M & M -- Wavy's mom and dad

1 comment:

kelliemorgan said...

I can't imagine the amount of stress this must be on your family. Whenever I hear the word hope, I think of that movie, "Hope Floats". There is a quote/part where the mother states that when everything else is sinking, hope always floats up. I am a friend of a friend and will continue praying for your family and your strength.