Tuesday, July 10, 2012

words about (not) sleeping

Well.  In what felt like a knock out punch at the time, I stopped taking Ambien.  Harper has restless arm and leg syndrome.  She can't sleep.  She can't fall asleep because she worries about not being able to sleep.  Can anyone relate to that? I know I can.  Then she wakes up for hours at a time during the night.  She is exhausted.  I felt like I was sleeping too deeply to attend to her needs in the night so I decided to cut the Ambien.  I eased off for a couple of days then called it quits.  I am sleeping about four hours a night.  Maybe five.  Sometimes these hours are broken up by being up with The Girl.  I am exhausted.

Here is the thing about Harper and I both being tired: we're a disaster.  We're individually a mess and collectively a stack of chaos.  We're both irritable, over-sensitive, more emotional, closer to the edge, and look like zombies most of the time.  

If Harper doesn't respond well to the increased iron dose that she is taking this month as a trial run, we will have to start her on receiving iron intravenously.  This is my worst nightmare at this point.  Trips to Children's Mercy for blood work up to now have resulted in both of us in tears in the waiting room and lab, and her laying on the floor in the hall screaming bloody murder.  The thought of signing up for more needles and more blood work makes me feel like my brain is a chalkboard with nails being run over it.

I am trying to be a person who doesn't complain.  Apparently though, I feel the need to complain about this topic.  So this is it.  A whole post about not sleeping.  No resolution or happy points to be made.  Just complaining.  When I am up in the night with her I am mad and lonely.  Mad at Matt for making me do this all by myself.  Lonely that there is no one who cares about my daughter in the exact same way I do.  Lonely that I don't have someone to kiss me goodnight and tell me they'll take care of getting Harper to bed; that I should go ahead and go to sleep -- everything will be fine.  Because doesn't that sound like about the best thing ever?  I just miss that man so much.  I could really use a hug from him.  Or to hold his hand and cry in frustration.  Tired, pitiful sigh.


Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

To say that I know how you feel would be stupid and insensitive. But I can relate in a teeny tiny way because I also don't sleep and neither do my kids. And we are all a mess about 90% of the time! I know the lack of sleep fries your nerves and leaves little room for any patience whatsoever... I'm speaking about myself :) When Vance travels, I usually end up in tears because I'm doing it by myself. So to read this post absolutely breaks my heart because I just can't imagine doing it every night by myself. I'm so, so sorry you have this additional burden to carry. I'm mad for you.

I will be in prayer that the iron works for Harper and that both of you will be able to get some much needed rest. And for the record, you are entitled to complain... a LOT! Don't ever feel guilty about it. Vent, complain, cry and don't feel bad about sharing any of it in this space. It helps all of your cheerleaders know how to best pray for you and Harper.

Praying for sleep in your house tonight!


Stef Ryan said...

I can't imagine having to do it all alone. And do it all alone without sleeping is beyond imaginable. Sending warm thoughts your way and hoping you (both) get some much needed rest soon.

Mira's mom said...

Oh Molly...I am sorry. I hate this for you. I am glad you are venting, don't feel guilty. You are so strong and brave and faithful...it is okay to just feel weak and unable. He is able. I am praying for sweet rest for you and Harper. Rest in your heart, rest for your body. So when I read this I thought of a Fernando Ortega song and I know once you said you don't always read the lyrics or verses people post. Me either! SO I am sending a youtube link so you can listen to it. Praying that as the song says, "He holds your hand and keeps you through the night"


Mira's mom said...

Okay, I am not very smart about posting links...you will have to copy and paste!

Kelsey said...

Oh Molly, not sleeping is the WORST. It just amplifies all the hard stuff. I had a friend in college who would always pray for "supernatural sleep" (usually when we had stayed up too late playing and had a big test the next day) and I always thought it a little silly, but I will be whispering that prayer for you tonight. I like to think that supernatural sleep is all about quality, if not quantity.

You're making it. It sucks that you have to do it alone. I hate that for you. But I believe you can do it. It's just one more thing the rest of us can only cheer and encourage from the shore for, but know that we are all going hoarse for the yelling we're doing!

Love you. Supernatural sleep, Jesus. Amen.

Jami Nato said...

well shit.
there's just nothing like being tired and sad.
God is there but sometimes you need someone with skin on them to help.
anyway, i'm sorry. we adore melatonin but sometimes it doesn't work after a while.
i'm basically just complaining along with you. ha. no help at all.

Mary Anne said...

I was going to suggest Melatonin also if she is old enough for it (maybe for you too?!). But not sure if it will help if it is the RLS that is keeping her up. I am praying for sleep for you and Harper.

Pipsylou said...

This sucks. I don't know how I missed this post but I did.

Carol LaGue said...

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, Lord,
make me dwell in safety.
Ps 4:8

...prayed this for you and Harper this minute

The Whites said...

Have you tried cutting out gluten for Harper? If you have a sensitivity it can cause the body to not absorb vitamins/minerals correctly. My DD had some mild PICA which can be caused by low iron, cut out gluten and she stopped.