Well. In what felt like a knock out punch at the time, I stopped taking Ambien. Harper has restless arm and leg syndrome. She can't sleep. She can't fall asleep because she worries about not being able to sleep. Can anyone relate to that? I know I can. Then she wakes up for hours at a time during the night. She is exhausted. I felt like I was sleeping too deeply to attend to her needs in the night so I decided to cut the Ambien. I eased off for a couple of days then called it quits. I am sleeping about four hours a night. Maybe five. Sometimes these hours are broken up by being up with The Girl. I am exhausted.
Here is the thing about Harper and I both being tired: we're a disaster. We're individually a mess and collectively a stack of chaos. We're both irritable, over-sensitive, more emotional, closer to the edge, and look like zombies most of the time.
If Harper doesn't respond well to the increased iron dose that she is taking this month as a trial run, we will have to start her on receiving iron intravenously. This is my worst nightmare at this point. Trips to Children's Mercy for blood work up to now have resulted in both of us in tears in the waiting room and lab, and her laying on the floor in the hall screaming bloody murder. The thought of signing up for more needles and more blood work makes me feel like my brain is a chalkboard with nails being run over it.
I am trying to be a person who doesn't complain. Apparently though, I feel the need to complain about this topic. So this is it. A whole post about not sleeping. No resolution or happy points to be made. Just complaining. When I am up in the night with her I am mad and lonely. Mad at Matt for making me do this all by myself. Lonely that there is no one who cares about my daughter in the exact same way I do. Lonely that I don't have someone to kiss me goodnight and tell me they'll take care of getting Harper to bed; that I should go ahead and go to sleep -- everything will be fine. Because doesn't that sound like about the best thing ever? I just miss that man so much. I could really use a hug from him. Or to hold his hand and cry in frustration. Tired, pitiful sigh.