Today Harper was playing with one of our favorite of her friends. They were playing Barbies and her friend suggested pretending that one of them had a dad that had died. This was to solve the problem of a large number of female Barbies and a shortage of Kens. It was said innocently. Harper said, "I don't want to play that way because it makes me sad because my daddy did die." This sweet friend then felt bad, and cried, and the girls worked it out and moved on. I was so so proud of Harper in this moment. She is five years old. She was able to handle a tough moment where someone forgot her situation, and say something about it to resolve it. She was able to experience a true friend responding with remorse and love. They got to sort it out and keep going. I want my relationships to be that way. I am so thankful for a daughter like this sweet girl. She is modeling such healthy friendships.
I started seeing a new counselor last week. She had me describe Harper. I was telling her a few things that I think define my girl. Then this counselor said, "She sounds like a total bad ass." I can't tell you how I ate those words up. She is right. My five year old is a total bad ass.
There is this quote on Pinterest I see a lot. It says "and though she be but little, she is fierce." It's attributed to Shakespeare, but it's the internet - so who knows. I think it is the perfect summation of my daughter. It makes me smile, and it makes me proud. I want to be just like her.
Well. In what felt like a knock out punch at the time, I stopped taking Ambien. Harper has restless arm and leg syndrome. She can't sleep. She can't fall asleep because she worries about not being able to sleep. Can anyone relate to that? I know I can. Then she wakes up for hours at a time during the night. She is exhausted. I felt like I was sleeping too deeply to attend to her needs in the night so I decided to cut the Ambien. I eased off for a couple of days then called it quits. I am sleeping about four hours a night. Maybe five. Sometimes these hours are broken up by being up with The Girl. I am exhausted.
Here is the thing about Harper and I both being tired: we're a disaster. We're individually a mess and collectively a stack of chaos. We're both irritable, over-sensitive, more emotional, closer to the edge, and look like zombies most of the time.
If Harper doesn't respond well to the increased iron dose that she is taking this month as a trial run, we will have to start her on receiving iron intravenously. This is my worst nightmare at this point. Trips to Children's Mercy for blood work up to now have resulted in both of us in tears in the waiting room and lab, and her laying on the floor in the hall screaming bloody murder. The thought of signing up for more needles and more blood work makes me feel like my brain is a chalkboard with nails being run over it.
I am trying to be a person who doesn't complain. Apparently though, I feel the need to complain about this topic. So this is it. A whole post about not sleeping. No resolution or happy points to be made. Just complaining. When I am up in the night with her I am mad and lonely. Mad at Matt for making me do this all by myself. Lonely that there is no one who cares about my daughter in the exact same way I do. Lonely that I don't have someone to kiss me goodnight and tell me they'll take care of getting Harper to bed; that I should go ahead and go to sleep -- everything will be fine. Because doesn't that sound like about the best thing ever? I just miss that man so much. I could really use a hug from him. Or to hold his hand and cry in frustration. Tired, pitiful sigh.
I have a strong affinity for the Avett Brothers. I have been listening to the song "Living of Love" over and over again.
(If you want to hear it) Lyrics to Living Of Love:
For just one chance to find
Love was someone that you loved to find For just the sense to try To walk ahead and leave the pain behind If the days aren't easy and the nights are rough When they ask you what you're thinking of Say love, say for me love Say love, say for me love
Your heart says not again What kind of mess have you got me in But when the feelings there It can lift you up and take you anywhere But the gravel beneath you and the limbs above If anybody asks you where your coming from Say love, say for me love Say love, say for me love
Say yes we live uncertainty And disappointments have to be And everyday we might be facing more And yes we live in desperate times But fading words and shaking rhymes There's only one thing here worth hoping for With Lucifer beneath you and God above If either one of them asks you what your living of
Say love, say for me love Say love, say for me love Say love, say for me love Say love, say for me love Say love, say for me love Say love, say for me love
I think of Harper. I think of keeping my heart soft for her and not hard or coated in bitterness. I think of the loveliness of the lines in this song and want to stay open to her. I want to be engaged and not sitting on the couch, dazed.
I think of this girl that just IS love. I think of her funny lines, her renditions of Adele songs, her pretending. I think of her manners, how fast she runs, her long arms wrapped around my neck as she tries to sleep. She is tender, kind, compassionate, strong.
I pray for both of us to stay vulnerable and pliable towards each other in our hearts. That we would choose joy. That we would choose love. That we would say it to each other. I pray our hearts would be full of God's love and caringness towards us. If you ask me what we're living of, I say love.
