Although we knew that so many were praying I just couldn't bring myself to say much about it. I think I left one voicemail telling my mom, one voicemail telling a good friend and cancelling our plans for that day, and one text to a friend who had been waiting to hear. I could hardly make myself communicate with anyone. I had held out some hope that there was still a chance for this to all get turned around. Last week I knew that specific hope would not be realized.
How can so many people have prayed so hard and for so long and then we still lose our daughter? How can I read comforting words in the Bible about when two or more pray in His name their prayers will be answered... or God taking care of the needs of His people and justice being upheld, and THEN WE STILL LOSE OUR DAUGHTER? These are the questions that I am asking myself and the Lord all day long. I don't know the answer. And platitudes never comfort anyone. So I am mad, hurt, devastated. Completely crushed and defeated. I feel scared and hollow. Brittle and empty.
This will forever change our lives and the shape of our happiness. Families should grow in size, not shrink.
We do know this though, and I promised we would say it no matter the outcome. GOD IS GOOD.
And even though I didn't know my heart could ever feel so heavy in my body I am completely sincere when I say that.
GOD IS GOOD.
Love,
Molly
11 comments:
I am so sorry. I have no words. When we were going thru a failed Russian adoption(nothing compared to what you are going thru) the song I found comfort in and the song I heard while reading your post was, I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I am so very very sorry. God will help. Praying
be blessed
Ashlee
http://ourjourneytoadoption.beckfamily143.com/
i'm sorry that you are hurting in such a deep way. i always remember the verse in psalms, God is near to the brokenhearted.
it is unimaginable to give up a child. what a treasure that you had for these years, that she has been loved and cared for well. you have had the honor to shape her in some of the most formidable years. although, i know saying that will not soothe your broken heart.
i am praying still for a miracle. and for God to reign in your hearts, so that you will not be knocked down from your firm place.
love to you guys,
jami
As an adopted child and Mom of 2, my heart is breaking for all of you...especially Waverley. I have been following your story for a year, since a friend of mine from Sunday School asked us to pray for you. Please know that you are and will be in my prayers for a very long time. I wish there was more I could do for you.
You don't know me, but I am a friend of Rachel Jumper and she told me about your story. I have been following your blog ever since. I have also been praying for you. I am hurting for you and your family. There are just no words to comfort someone in a time like this. I am praying for a miracle and that God would show you both exactly what to do next.
We've cried so many tears.... this is the heart wrenching, unbelievably hard stuff that we all hope never to face. I am so sorry that you have to.
I'm thankful that you know God intimately and are relying on Him.
We are still praying for a miracle. I know HE is capable and He cares about Waverley deeply.
Love in Christ,
Kristi and Dave Swob
I wish there were words that could make a difference, but I don't have any you haven't already heard or read. If I was there, I would just sit next to you and hold you. Since I am not, I know that your friends and family will step in. We love you and we care.
Sonya & Max
You don't know me - I read about your story on my Church's prayer chain in Wichita. I am also an adoptive mom and part of an adoption group on facebook. Our whole group has been praying for you. This is an email I received from a mom in our group and she asked that I forward it on to you.
. We experienced a failed adoption after the birthmom placed with us and then chose to parent. We had to give back a little boy that we believed with everything we were that he was meant to be our son. While he was in our care for a LOT less time than Matt and Molly, we still cared for, loved him deeply and we were beyond devastated after handing him back to his birthmom. We had already buried one child and in many ways, losing JT was so much worse. A few weeks went by and I wrote the following... if you think it would be helpful for Matt and Molly, please forward accordingly... especially since many people will likely tell them stuff about "God's will" and quote Jeremiah 29:11; two things that while the intention is good, will likely be very hurtful to hear.
I don’t know how to put into words just how thankful we are for all of your prayers throughout the last two weeks. This time has been a whirlwind of emotions, while wrestling with God over some very deep theological issues. We have been chewing through two main things, 1) What is God’s will and 2) Jeremiah 29:11.
I have often struggled with understanding what God’s will is. Some people believe that God has everything in your life lined up A-Z and has purposed specific things in your life to happen. And I was somewhere on this spectrum. When contemplating marriage, career, schooling, kiddos, or even staying/getting out of the Air Force; we have often asked and prayed for “God’s will” to be done. But, these last two weeks have rocked my ideas about God’s will for our lives, because for the first time in nearly 32 years, I questioned what was truly meant by the writer’s of the New Testament when talking about God’s will.
!
part 2
I found myself searching the bible about a week ago for “God’s will” and found that in many verses, there was some kind of directive either before or directly after talking about God’s will. So, I came to the simple conclusion that God’s will for our lives is to do the things he says to do and to avoid the things he says not to do. Sounds too simple right? That’s what I thought too, until I looked up the word, “thelema” which is used in the original Greek text to translate “will”. When you look at the true meaning of thelema; it simply means to do what God wants you to do. “Thelema is the purpose of God to bless mankind through Christ and what God wishes to be done by us.” (studylight.org) Thelema does not denote any huge detailed plan, we are simply to be obedient to what God says to do in His word. For example, love God, love others, pray without ceasing, look after orphans and widows, love your spouse, and be good stewards of what God has given you, etc... Stay away from sexual immorality, stealing, marital unfaithfulness, murder, lying, deception, etc…
So, then the question of Jeremiah 29:11 came into play. I’d always looked at that verse that God has great plans, purposes, and details about what He wants me to accomplish here on earth. But, if God’s will was to simply be obedient to His word, then how does, “For, I know the plans I have for you…” fit into all of this? So, I went to the Hebrew text and once again was rocked by the original translation.
“For I know the thoughts I think towards you,” saith the Lord, “thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11
When looked at this verse in context of what was going on with Jeremiah and the Israelites, it becomes clear that I have completely missed the boat about this verse! I now believe God was promising the restoration of His relationship with Israel through this verse, but I also think the “expected end” is Jesus Christ and God is promising to ultimately restore our relationship with Him through the sacrifice of Christ. This verse is not earthly based; it is eternity based. God is not saying, “I have great plans or details for you here on earth”, I believe He’s saying, “I have great plans for eternity, I love you and I want you to be a part of it!” The rest is basically up to a personal decision each of us has to make!
These studies have changed our perspective on a lot of things. We have boiled it all down to this: God measures our faithfulness, not by our success rate (as defined by the world), but by our obedience. Our success rate with children stinks; 1 precious little girl living, 3 in heaven and 1 just out of reach! This side of eternity, we may never understand why this was allowed to happen. However, there is freedom in understanding that God did not “intend” or “purpose” or “plan” for these things to happen. We live in a fallen world. A world filled with sin and shortcomings. An imperfect world! So, imperfect things happen! But, what really matters is whether or not we are obedient to God and living according to His word! This is easy to do when things are going well, but more importantly are we being obedient to God when our hopes, dreams and plans fail? When we are walking through the deepest of valleys? When we are deeply wounded by the consequence of sin? When we have to say goodbye to our child?
God measures our faithfulness, not by our success rate, but by our obedience
I just found your blog linked from another blog... I am so sorry to read your story and hear about this. WHY you? WHY your family? WHY have this happen to this little girl? I am speechless, and my heart goes out to you so much. We lost the referral of our little girl when we arrived in Ukraine to adopt her and another child, but we only loved her from afar for 7 months. I can't imagine having her in our home only to lose her to such a poor system.
On a side note, my husband asked about your adoption agency paying for some of the legal expenses if they failed to locate the birth father for consent prior to placement. Don't know the laws in your state, but from all of our research for NC domestic adoption, the birth father must be notified pre-placement and give his consent to the adoption.
Many hugs to your family.
Kari
(in Ukraine adopting 2 kids, from Charlotte, NC)
We are heartbroken for your family. We have been praying daily for your family and your sweet little girls with these verses:
Ephesians 3:16-20
"I pray that out of His glorious riches, He may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how WIDE and LONG and HIGH and DEEP is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to Him that is able to do immeasurably MORE than we all ASK or IMAGINE, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever."
All our love,
The Heitshusen Family
We will continue to pray for your family...
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