Last week we emailed out an urgent request for prayer for one last attempt to keep Waverley in our home. We presented the birthfather with a request for mediation. They declined.
Although we knew that so many were praying I just couldn't bring myself to say much about it. I think I left one voicemail telling my mom, one voicemail telling a good friend and cancelling our plans for that day, and one text to a friend who had been waiting to hear. I could hardly make myself communicate with anyone. I had held out some hope that there was still a chance for this to all get turned around. Last week I knew that specific hope would not be realized.
How can so many people have prayed so hard and for so long and then we still lose our daughter? How can I read comforting words in the Bible about when two or more pray in His name their prayers will be answered... or God taking care of the needs of His people and justice being upheld, and THEN WE STILL LOSE OUR DAUGHTER? These are the questions that I am asking myself and the Lord all day long. I don't know the answer. And platitudes never comfort anyone. So I am mad, hurt, devastated. Completely crushed and defeated. I feel scared and hollow. Brittle and empty.
This will forever change our lives and the shape of our happiness. Families should grow in size, not shrink.
We do know this though, and I promised we would say it no matter the outcome. GOD IS GOOD.
And even though I didn't know my heart could ever feel so heavy in my body I am completely sincere when I say that.